Proof that male doctors treat their female patients as sex objects

Image source: www.demotivationalposters.org

Guys, I have something to share my upsets about. I was reading this blog post that many of you have likely seen. The post was called "The Other Side of the Speculum: A Male Doctor's Point of View."

If you have not already read that post, I encourage you to do so before reading what I am about to say -- number 1. because it's important that you as a male or female be informed of what's going on at your Dr.'s office. Number 2. because it'll make a lot more sense to you if you've read the article.

If the article that appeared on the Daily Mail UK about the doctor sexually abusing a female patient for 13 years before admitting having an erotic dream about her wasn't enough to make some of you wary about having male doctors, what you'll read in "The Other Side of The Speculum: A Male Doctor's Point of View," surely will. 

In any instance, though, I'll still briefly tell you what that post/article is about. It's a male doctor sharing that men who are in the medical field do actually enjoy giving a pap-smear or pelvic exam or breast exam to a female. Not only do they enjoy it, but the author also goes on to say that they discuss it with others & they even tell women they deem attractive that a pap, pelvic or breast exam is "necessary," only so they can do it. Not because the patient really needs it! The author even explains instances in-depth of this happening! And if you read the comments, you'll surely be sickened to hear others' stories!

After reading that post, I felt so strongly. So many thing I want to say. I wanted to comment. I considered writing an article myself on this, then I considered discussing my feelings about it in a video, but I am so furious and upset after reading the post that the quickest way to get this off my mind and out there to ya'll is to write it here. In the future, I may do a video version or even an article, but right now, I'm so pissed I can't think straight. Let me see, where should I begin..

There are many reasons why upsets arose for me while reading that post about men who perform pelvic exams/pap smears are actually using their profession (and our bodies) as excuses to do immoral things to us, in reality, without us even knowing or approving, really. I mean, if I go in for a pap smear and my doctor is a male, I would think he was professional and not viewing my body in a sexual way and not using my body for his own sexual gratification. I wouldn't expect him to damn near demand me have an exam for his own fun, and not my health. 

So say I allowed the exam & it turns out he is doing these things. He is using his profession as an excuse to touch and look at me -- in other words to treat me as a sexual object. Also, if I do not know he's doing these things (looking at me and touching me with such thoughts and ideas) then I'm not a willing participant. The only part I would be willingly participating in would be the exam for my health, not the sexual part he's getting out of it! 

That's point number one I wanted to make.

We automatically have this idea that doctors are trustworthy and wouldn't ever do these things, right? Wrong. So very, sadly and disgustingly wrong.

Point number two would be  

The author of this blog post admits that he is a doctor (not in the field of doing exams such as paps though), and during his training, he did have sexual feelings when performing these exams on "attractive" women.

He goes on to share his view from experience on how these other male doctors feel about it. They totally enjoy it, he says, but not in so little words. He does say there are some male doctors who expressed none of this sexual pleasure or fun of doing a pelvic exam on female patients. This worried me to death because I figure most of them must be this way, and what if the ones that don't openly admit it, secretly are so perverse that they use their patients' bodies in such a degrading way (whether the patient knows or not.)

This is the statement that gives me that impression:

"...given a choice between doing a lung exam on an 80-year-old guy or a pelvic exam on an attractive 30-year-old woman, I’d say most docs would MUCH rather do the latter. They’re only human. They would flatly deny having any such thoughts (in most cases), but deep down, they ARE men, after all."

So there you have it, folks! Not only does he admit that male doctors are doing what many of us girls have feared since we first stepped foot into an exam room with stirrups --  that the doctor isn't neutral towards the exam he's giving us, but he enjoys it. 

Not only is our big fear about that confirmed, but the author gives the impression that in his mind, all men are like this (all male doctors enjoy a sexual thrill from this!) That disturbs me, it infuriates me and to tell you the truth, my head is throbbing in pain to learn this crap. My stomach turned when I read it, but before I even finish typing, I am going to have to stop and take a BC powder for the migraine that is quickly coming on. Okay, I am over-sensitive to this type of thing, though and it's doctors like this to blame for it.

Let me make my next point: "...they ARE men, after all." Now let me try and keep from saying ever ugly word in the book. 

Okay, the F bomb has passed. Are you blasted kidding me right now? The author, an actual educated, respectable doctor, gives the excuse that they ARE men after all. Almost as if he's saying "oops! You can't blame them. They're just men. What do you expect?" Not only does it give the impression that he's making excuses for men, but also making all men look downright bad. What? "They're just men?" And we shouldn't even bother to expect better of them? They're have a complete and utter lack of any control over themselves because, oh! They're  just men, didn't you know?  But if it were a woman? You wouldn't say "what do you expect, she's a low-life woman. That's how they all are. We all know they cannot control themselves."

Using "they are men after all" is a sorry excuse and most of all, it has put an ugly label on all men for way too long. It says that men are spineless, helpless, self-centered creatures. It almost gives the impression that men are so brainless that they can't even focus when an "attractive" woman is nearby. How shallow and that's not a pleasant assumption, guys. To be thought of as spineless, brainless and out of control? That's fucking scary. Not cute and it's no longer an excuse because some of us know for a fact,  without a doubt that there are men who can control themselves. Not only that, but they even make men who don't have to control this "urge" for any "attractive" woman. It's simply not there. It's probably referred to as morals. I guess this author doesn't know many doctors with those things.

I can't stress this message enough -- the message that men are so brainless and spineless and ignorant that they don't know how to treat a person and her body with respect. That they cannot help that they want to use her up and manipulate her into the stirrups just to get a touch and feel. Am I making myself clear, on this message? Men, how many of you really are sick of being thought of as that? Does it bother you guys that this impression the world has of you (mostly thanks to your own kind, like Doc desperation here) is one that causes fear of your actions since you're merely a man. Who could expect you not to do such things? 

I ask this because my male partner does get upset that this is the impression of men. He says "I don't want you to look at me as someone who will lose my head and become an out of control, raging sexual being whenever I see your body. I don't want you to think 'oh crap. If he gets turned on, I'm doomed because he is a man, what else could I expect?'" It gives the message that men cannot control themselves sexually -- and that is why it's so scary.

Now, digging deeper.

I mentioned how this whole doctor and private parts ordeal has been scary for me since I was a very small child. I don't know why! I just remember being very timid and even furious at times over a doctor just being able to do such things to a girl. 

These feelings were there for me as early as the age of 4. Being the extremely modest girl I was as a child, when I was sent to a doctor during my 3rd or 4th grade year of elementary school for some scoliosis check, could've made these feelings worse. I know they were there though, at such a young age. During this whole scoliosis thing, it so happened that during my 3rd or 4th grade year, we had these nurses come to the school to check out all the students for a scoliosis screening. We each would be called into a room behind one of those tall screen things to cover you from the other kids being screened in that room, and were told to remove our shirts and then bend over. The school advises all the girls to wear a sports bra or some type of swim top for extra coverage, even though we were tiny kids, that's still our privates. I wore a silky green sports bra and remember them saying to bend over as they felt of my spine. I don't remember feeling uncomfortable during this at all, but a few months later, a letter came to my parents saying I needed to be sent to some specialist for a closer look, that I'd shown signs of scoliosis. I was asked about back pain and such. Never had I recalled having any problems besides the occasional back ache from sitting for so long. 

Anyways, my mom took me to this specialist and I don't remember much besides being in the room, and what do you know? A male doctor. This automatically upset me (I'd already developed these intense feelings about doctors and privates), but my mom told me it was only my back being examined. 

Good ol' back doctor comes in and tells me to take off my shirt! Then even worse, my pants! But made sure I knew to leave my underwear on. He gave a dumb backless gown and came back, told me to bend over. I was so upset that I cried. I don't even know if I actually bent over or flipped out and refused. I don't remember leaving or anything. I just remember those parts and getting so upset and then never going back. I also remember that the topic of my "back issue" was never spoke of again by anybody. Not my mom, and not the school, but I always always always wondered why we never followed up.

And I also remember skipping school the next time we had a scoliosis screening and ever since that first and last screening that got me sent to the specialist, I skipped every single screening throughout school. 

So perhaps my intense feelings that were there at such a young age, combined with experiences such as the pelvic exam or no endometriosis treatment ultimatum and these minor upsets along the way, and then being raped are part of what has caused my weirdness on this topic. 

...

Then, I had my first pap-smear (early-mid teen years). It was done by an amazing, caring, thoughtful lady. I flipped out, but she made sure I was okay and comfortable, and I'm about 99.9% sure she didn't think of me sexually during or after the exam.

It was just a given that I would never allow a male doctor to see my naked body. I had strong feelings about this as long as I can remember. At the age of 4 is when I remember first becoming furious and having the thoughts about a doctor being able to do as he pleases to a female.

Then a few years ago, at the age of I think 20, I needed surgery (endometriosis.) I've been going to the same office that I went to for my very first pap-smear. Still go there. They were all ladies. Until we found out about my endometriosis. I'd had a pap-smear 3 months before I went in for the endometriosis visit. The doctor, to my horror (literally) was a male. There was the regular female doctor who was completely half out of her mind every time I'd had to see her, but she was there too. She told me that the male doctor wanted to do a pelvic exam. I'd had one three months before! 

So I cried. I cried so much & said I couldn't let this happen. She laughed. No joke! Then she said it'll be okay. That did not calm me. Then she said "you have to." I can't tell you guys how furious I am at myself today for not knowing that I actually did not have to! She said it was either him or nobody and that I'd be living with the endometriosis because if I did not let him do the exam, they would not get me in for treatment. 

So I did the only thing I though I could, and cried the whole time. Then felt like a moron for being so emotional. To me, though, a pap smear feels so much like rape that it drudges up the actual event from years ago. I will spend days (before and after a pap smear every year) feeling so much like I did right after I was raped. I recently talked to someone else about this who was also raped and had similar feelings, but no matter how much searching I do, I never read of this being an issue. I thought it was just me for a while. So this has been on my mind since I have one coming up next month. Call me overly sensitive or prudish, but there's nothing I can do about that feeling. So there's some honesty for ya, whether it makes me look badly or not.

In fact, if I could, I would perform my very own exams down there just to avoid the feeling of being raped all over again ever year of my life. To avoid feeling violated. In fact, I already get my own personal speculums (this began just for the sake and interest of learning more about my body) and I have started looking into at-home pap smear kits where you send your results in to a labratory. As extreme as that sounds, it's something I'd like to look more into, perhaps experiment with but still have my regular exam unless I happen to end up feeling the at-home kit would be just as beneficial.

I will never in my life agree to let a male doctor come near my private parts ever again, and after reading the post "The Other Side of the Speculum: A Male doctor's Point of View," I feel even more intensely about this. I will never allow myself to be used up like that. To be looked at like that. This body belongs to me! What fucking part of that can you men not understand? And answer me this, what do I have to do in order for you to ever respect and realize that it's mine and not yours. Not yours! Not yours to look at. Not yours to manipulate me into showing you. Not yours to sexualize. Not yours to put anything inside. Not yours to go home and think about. Not yours to do any of these or other forceful acts upon without my verbal consent!

Now, let me pause to take that BC Powder. This is killing me.

Okay. Doing good. 

So unless I offer my body (and any part herein!) to you, you have none of those rights. You cannot do it! I don't care if I'll never find out. It does not make it okay simply because you'll keep it to yourself while thinking your sick thoughts while performing your scam pelvic exam. It's still doing something to my body, a body that I cannot stress to you enough, is not yours! Would you want me to do anything I please to your body? 

And I can assure you that unless you are my spouse, I won't ever be offering up my body to you. Despite what you have in your head, no, coming to your office for help because I'm in pain is not my consent. Let me squash your last excuse. If I come inside your office for any reason, it is not consent for you to do my body in the ways that I have discussed or in the ways the author of "The Other Side of the Speculum: A Male doctor's Point of View," discussed. It is not me offering my body to you if I come into your office. 

I realize that you may not understand my ferocious feelings. I understand how you may think "what they don't know, don't hurt them," but I want some man (besides my spouse) out there, preferably a male doctor somewhere, anywhere to get it. Understand it. Please! Please. 

The author of that post definitely gives the impression that all men are this way, that all male doctors are like this & those who are male, but not necessarily doctors, would still do these things if they had the chance.

On another hand, in the article, when discussing his wife and how her own doctor had manipulated her into receiving a totally unnecessary pap-smear, the author goes all out to rate her "attractiveness," and that just added fuel to my fire! Gosh, can we as women ever escape it? Even while he's trying to help us in that article, he still is being shallow in the way that he rates women's attractiveness! He says she's the most attractive woman to him, but in reality she's not "magazine model attractive." Fucking seriously? Because that's a doctor's view of what's attractive and what's not, folks. If you ain't magazine model beautiful, you're not the best. You might be the "most" attractive, but never the only attractive.

I'd hate to know that my own partner rated women. I'd hate to know he felt that the highest level of beauty was the fake kind, the photoshopped kind known as "magazine model attractiveness." 

These few things are exactly what turned me into a feminist. These are the things that disgust me the most in the world -- this kind of treatment towards us as women that we cannot escape.

I'll stop right there to say, ladies, there are men out there who would view you as their one and only beautiful partner. There are men who don't rate women on their looks. You don't have to be beautiful, but not "magazine model beautiful" because that is not what beauty is to a person with a big, kind heart. That mess is for the shallow people like doctors who spend their time not being able to control their sexual urges and manipulating women into letting them look inside their vaginas.

It's important to note that the author of that post didn't appear to be condoning that behavior from male doctors. In fact, it seems his intentions of the post were to make us aware and to wake us up and tell us to not go to male doctors, protect ourselves. For this, I am grateful to him.


I appreciate the author for speaking out and for caring enough to make us aware of what is really going on. I applaud him for being this brave, even though my anger seems to come across at him. I'm not necessarily angry with him, but angry in general at all male doctors who have done these things to a woman. 

As of this very moment, there is only one man I know for certain that does not have the disgusting traits mentioned in this article. Anybody else? I want to hear from you. I want to be able to say "you're wrong, not all men are spineless, brainless humans who only live for sex, who objectify women and who rate their attractiveness based on "magazine model" beauty." I want for the men who truly are not like this to step up and say "these people are wrong. I'm proof." And I want to be able to back you up, just as I have in my previous words where I complained about the author making you all look like jerk-offs.


I originally read this article on Forwomen'seyesonly.com. I found the author's name, which I wanted to note here since I do quote him  and I do believe in crediting others' work. It appears, by the way Forwomenseyesonly puts the link to the article "Uneccesary pap smears" that the author of the work "The Other Side of the Speculum: A Male Doctor's Point of View," goes by the name of "bookofjoe" and his website can be found at www.bookofjoe.com. I could be wrong though, but I couldn't find an author name on the article.

Thanks to that site that featured the post I've talked about (For Women's Eyes Only.com), and the comments left on that post, I've learned a few more things:


* It's actually very common for women to be pressured, manipulated and/or in some cases, forced to allow a pelvic exam to happen, even when they say "no."


* As in my own case, it's common for doctors to refuse to give you treatment (or your birth control, which also happens to me in order to get Depo) unless you allow a pelvic exam/pap smear. In fact, next month I will be forced to have an exam or else no Depo (which isn't taken to prevent me from getting pregnant -- I cannot anyways -- but to help with the endometriosis, which I still have!) 
UPDATE: May, 2014
Just last week I was going to be refused to purchase birth control when I tried refusing the annual exam at my local health department, although I'd done extensive research in the last year and presented the research to the nurse (including Title X and Family Planning "guideline" documents, which state many times that providers should NOT refuse birth control if one declines any exam! You can read these docs yourself & I will link to them, if interested. 

Anyways, I wanted to update and let you folks know that, at least in Georgia, even when the department was under Family Planning funding, they told me specifically that there was no way one would obtain birth control without the regular pelvic exams, pap smear, etc. Even though I personally have been a customer there for 8+ years, they were willing to let me walk out of there, a paying customer ($123 bill) without Depo unless I finally submitted to the medical rape-like procedures of the exams. 

 


And it's not uncommon for us to not realize how crazy it is that we're truly forced to allow doctors to do certain things to our private areas. I didn't realize for a long time. Not that I am against the pap smears. I happen to think they're very useful, which is why I do go through with mine yearly. The lady nurses at the office I go to are pretty good with me about the exam and even endure my freak outs and crying. They have allowed me to refuse a rectal exam, and I hope that's one thing we at least are entitled to!

HOW TO RAPE? One Guy's Account on How to Rape Someone

Hello my lovelies. Today was a very bad... anniversary for me so while doing some research, I came across this little writing piece that totally pissed me off! The article is called "HOW TO BECOME A RAPIST" I'll quote a section of the most sickening thing I've ever read.... Here's the link if you want to read it in full. It's very disturbing so do so at your own risk... http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/HowTo:Become_A_Rapist#Well.2C_Golly.2C_who_should_I_rape.3F


"Choosing a victim group is a simple yet usually underestimated consideration. Some noob rapists are concerned that their "victim group" may form their M.O., and make it easier for the authorities to profile them. That concern is easily outweighed by the simple fact that you can get rapin' quicker once you figure out who to rape.
As you know, women are begging for it, and despite their pleas to the contrary really do want it. Everyone knows that when a woman says "no", she doesn't really mean it! Still, potential 'victims' will not usually stand before you like a buffet (they do have their pride, you know). So to play it safe at the start, and to find out what your tastes are, be sure to pick a broad victim group. Young children, teenagers, stay-at-home moms, pizza delivery girls, old ladies, early morning joggers, illegal immigrants, or your sister's friends all have their fans. Pick a few of those to start with. But while variety is the spice of life, advanced rapists often choose to narrow down to a more specific group. Note: No matter what group you end up with, perfect the manly arts of jumping out of bushes, arm-pinning, opening lines ("Don't scream or I'll mark up that pretty face" scores high in our chatroom discussions), and forced serenades."

And then the total dumbass, douche-bag, sorry, sick sonofabitch bastard-that-needs-his-peter-whacked-off and then raped himself to see just how it could feel. (Only that couldn't possibly be enough for a rapist. This piece of shit article ENCOURAGES rapists.

Here's a bit more...

"Much talk has been devoted to surprise rapes, but that's for amateurs. The professional approach not only depends on the makeup of your target group but on developing a pleasing personality. Luring 'victims' into the back of your van, plying them with rohypnol-laced drinks, using candy and stuffed animals as bait, or the ever-popular offer to change their bedpan are all effective strategies. It's best to downplay your intentions; potential 'victims' may get a bit skittish if you bring up your entertaining hidden-agenda too soon in the conversation. So avoid saying things like, "Whaddya think about me raping you honey? Ya into that?", or "Tell me your favorite rape fantasy". Save it until the mood is right for both of you."

ENOUGH SAID. I WASN'T ABLE TO FIND A "REPORT THIS" BUTTON ON THE SITE, BUT I ADDED MY OWN THOUGHTS FOR THE BASTARD. I'M SURE MANY MORE WILL AS WELL. HOW CAN ANYONE ALLOW THIS ON THIER SITE? IS IT JUST ME OR DOES THIS INFURIATE YOU TOO?

Finding the closure I've needed to get past rape

I have recently started speaking up about what I usually call "my experience" some of you know what I'm talking about. The past couple of years I've started dealing with the whole thing & trying to get past it. I've done so many things to try and get closure, but after 4 years I still didn't have it. It helped to finally start speaking about it. I still wasn't where I needed to be. I ended up writing a little about it here & although it was scary to publicly admit it, it helped. I still didn't have that last bit of closure I needed to move on. I was stuck in that little area of falling back into the fear and self loathing and moving on. I just couldn't make it.

I honestly, began to think that this was the only closure I would have and the rest was just meant to be there to kind of randomly torture me. That's what I thought for the past year. I thought I just needed to accept that every once in a while, I would be tormented. I was so wrong!

A lovely and very strong woman Named Jessica Brant contacted me & helped me to have the courage to take a big step and tell my story... publicly on her site. It was so empowering, but in the beginning I was scared. The fear and paranoia was getting to me a little again, but I KNEW it was something I needed to do and I knew it would help. What I didn't know, is that I would actually be moving further and finally getting real closure.

When the lovely Jessica Brant who has dedicated her own site to helping people find their way, put the story of my rape "Living This Side Of Hell" up on her site. Jessica's site is called Finding One's Way I was scared to even look at the comments that were left.

My boyfriend of 4 years has been extremely supportive and was the person who got me to confront the experience. After the rape, I never EVER used the word rape. I would not think about it and would not deal with it. I pretended it didn't happen, but was still terrified for my life. At that point, the only person who knew besides police, were the rapist, the girl who watched it, and my best girlfriend. I ended up telling my boyfriend and things were bad, I mean bad when I first started dealing with it. I honestly hated myself. I hated to look at my stomach because it was where he bit me. I hated my chest  because he left a scar from biting me. I wanted to change how I looked completely all because of that. I guess I thought if I didn't look like the girl who was raped, I wouldn't be that girl? I also wanted to change my looks because I didn't want him to ever recognize me if he came looking for me. So, I changed everything.

My point of this post is to tell what Jessica Brant and the amazingly supportive people who read my story have done for me.

I read the comments and expected to see things like "You deserved it." Or "Girls who get raped, must have asked for it." because that's what I've always been told. Even some of my closest friends told me that.

The people at Jessica's Site didn't blame or judge me. I cried when I read their comments. I was so happy and I couldn't believe how much power was in those comments. I have never in these few years not felt fearful at the thought of my rapist. When I read the comments, I felt empowered and I honestly feel that if I do see him out somewhere, I won't even flinch. I don't know how those comments touched my heart so much & I don't know how they were able to give me real closure, but they did. I have taken another step to not pushing it back in my head, but truly not being tormented by it any longer. I don't feel yucky about myself anymore and the people who were nice enough to support me & give nice words are to thank for that.

I guess I just needed to have a little bit of support from others. I mean, the BF has been more supportive than imaginable, but I thought it's because he had to. I thought it wasn't possible for others to think anything good of me and they did. They said I was strong and brave! I think I might just be.

I just cannot believe what those people have done for me. I can't believe how it made such an impact and gave me the hope and courage I need to fight. I will not let myself be tormented anymore by it. I REALLY won't. I guess until now, I kind of thought I deserved to have torment.

I will be forever grateful to these people and my BF and God of course. Every time I see him out, their words will be in my heart. I will remember them forever. Everytime I start to feel scared, those words are what I'll remember and I honestly think that the fear is over now. I don't think it's there anymore.

So, words are EXTREMELY powerful. Even I didn't know just how powerful they were.

I believe the courage, hope, etc. that I was lacking is gone. I never knew how much words could change a person, but I am benefiting so much from the words of:
Kriti Mukherjee at: http://kriti-howaboutthis.blogspot.com/

Rhyme Me A Smile at: http://www.blogger.com/goog_222468968

http://www.jidhu.blogspot.com/

Mari at: http://www.blogger.com/goog_222468962

Lisa at: http://howdoigetwhiterteeth.blogspot.com/

Tj Lubrano at: http://tjlubrano.blogspot.com/

Charlie Nitric at: http://charlienitric.wordpress.com/

Louise at: http://poeticdelusions.wordpress.com/

Kelly Lewis

Swati Bhattacharya

http://irfanurs.blogspot.com/

Corrine at: http://www.everydaygyaan.blogspot.com/

Stuart Nager at: http://www.bornstoryteller.com/

Alpana Jaiswal at: http://www.motifsonthewall.blogspot.com/

These are only SOME of the people who have been so amazing. I was unable to post them all at the moment because the findingonesway site keeps giving me an error message. I WILL add the rest of the names & blogs when I'm able to access the site again.

A tiny drop of my own revenge.

My sweet, but oh-so-dirty little loves,
as promised, I have for you one of my crazy stories. I've never, ever told this one before except to a very few people.


 Well, as some of you who have been with me for a while (& I appreciate and have so much love for yall!) already know a little, or a lot about what I call "my experience." It's a bad one & it's one that I had a hefty 4 year miserable struggle with, but I'm way better with it now. I won't go into deep details, but when I was 15 I was stupid enough to go with a "friend" to a party where I knew no-one. 2 15 year old girls at a party with older men & 2 older women. Never a good idea. Well, you can probably imagine the horror of taking a drink from one of the men.

  I lived in fear for all those years & couldn't stand that the man who destroyed me lived on the same mountain as I do. I also couldn't stand the fact that he was in his late 20's & I only 15! So I felt unsafe. I had seen him only a few times in public after the "bad experience." And once the BF & I were pulling out of my driveway & he was in front of us. We had to follow him all the way down the mountain. The small mountain that the both of us shared.

  I didn't really too much want revenge on anyone but myself. The only thing I cared about was him never finding me again or recognizing me. Good thing I've lost like 70 pounds since I was 15. But I wanted to know his whereabouts so I would know when to lookout for him. (I live in a very small area.)

  It took me 4 years to get up the nerve, but I finally told my twin sister what happened. She looked him up on Myspace & we pondered over a way to learn his working hours and whereabouts so I could feel safe when he was away on a trip. He drove a truck, so I knew he was away sometimes.

  We talked about it over and over & then created a fake myspace with fake pictures and added him as a friend. After I saw he accepted the request, it took me 2 months to get up the nerve to even log back on the fake myspace with the fake e-mail and fake pictures.

  At first I couldn't bring myself to type and send the douche bag a message, so my lovely twin (she's a damn genious!) did it for me. He clearly had no clue. She just started small chatting & light flirting to ensure he would respond. Then I got the nerve to message myself & ask where he works explaining that I may have met him at a party once. I knew he wouldn't know it was me as he has raped at least 2 other women that I'm 100% sure of. Incase you're wondering, the police in our town could give a shit less whether or not a rapist gets put away. They're too worried about F'ing little girls themselves. (Harsh? No, because I know these men & they'll freely admit it.)

  So to make this drug out story a little shorter, he did tell me that he worked with a major trucking company, but I think he was somewhat suspicious because he never would give me the specifics although I already know the company he works for. It's only 15 min. away.

  I found out quite a bit, but he would not let go of any personal info. I still have the fake myspace, but haven't wanted any more contact with him after I learned his working shifts. That's all I needed or cared to know.

  I never did get any revenge. I have to remind myself that God will do that part. But it felt so good to have that fake account to get info & know the dates when he was out of town that way, I knew I was safe to sleep at night.

  I'm far beyond revenge at this point, but I do still think about getting on that Myspace and making a damn fool out of this guy. Only I'm scared. LOL

  I love the feeling of ME finally being the one who's got control. How does it feel to be screwed over? If I could've somehow gotten him to get personal & admit to the rapes, I'd so have copied & pasted that shit & posted all over the net & our town. I can't lie, I'd feel so good to do that!

 You never thought I could go there huh? Well, it gets worse!

Serial Killers, Survivors, my hair removal treatment, & my unbearable sickness

Hello again beautiful readers!
I'm terribly sorry that I've not posted in weeks. I've been tremendously busy & as of 3 days ago, tremendously sick too! It's been just absolutely horrible. Everybody in my area seems to be extremely sick with this off the wall cold type thing. I'm not sure what it is, but bronchitis, laryngitis, and strep combined have NOTHING on this sickness that's going around. Anyways, I thought I'd let you lovelies know that I finally got my electrolysis machine & actually was able to use it for the first time today! How exciting! I will keep y'all updated with every treatment. Here's how today's treatment went:

 I only done a small area since I've been so sick & used all my strength to shower so I wasn't feeling up to doing too much. I didn't expect to get any results with the first treatment, but it was quick, totally painless, and I'm pretty sure all of the follicles were destroyed! The hairs were falling out immediately. I used tweezers to pluck the hairs afterward just so I would know if it really de-tached the hair from follicles and they came right out without having to pluck!

So it seems to be going well. Hopefully my next treatment will be in a day or two depending on how I feel. I will post the results. It's very exciting, to me anyways.

As you can tell, the electrolysis has been the highlight of my week thanks to being sick. There's only one person left in this contaminated house that has survived the illness so far. That's probably thanks to me cloroxing everything I touch. The rest of us have been down for days. Tonight has been somewhat better besides the migraine, bleeding nose, & dizzyness.

 The good news is I've gained my abs back from coughing constantly! Seriously. And with being stuck in bed I've had time to catch up my reading & studying which was learning about the survivors & their stories of escaping serial killers like Ted Bundy, Derrick Todd Lee, The BTK killer, Dennis Rader, Jeffrey Dahmer, & David Berkowitz also known as "Son of Sam." I've had to read the true stories of the few that survived these nasty guys & it's truly amazing.

 I've also had to read exact word for word the conversation between the killers & the judges. It was so shocking. I actually had to stop reading tonight when one of them went into great detail about raping his victims. I don't know if it was all the sinus drainage & blood I swallowed or what, but my stomach started getting sick.

 Well, sorry for the million different subjects in one post. Sometimes variety can be a good thing, right? LOL. I'm starting to feel my fever coming on pretty strong again so I will go now & take my meds before I pass out.

*Hopefully you'll hear from me tomorrow. I'll probably update you sweeties on my new learnings of serial killers & survivors & hair removal. lol While I'm at it, I'll throw in my own collection of possible ideas or "tips" to get out of dangerous situations should you ever run into one. (Based on what I gather from this crazy learning adventure.lol)*

My "experience" Continued...

                                      *MY "EXPERIENCE" CONTINUED...*

                                          (This is only the second part for now)

 5 years ago, my closest friend and I made plans to spend the weekend at her house and invite our high school boyfriends over. She picked me up that night but we didn't go to her house. Instead, she took me to a party which was all men. All 8-10 years older than us. I knew none of them. When we pulled up I wouldn't go in because I didn't know anyone and that wasn't our plan. She promised she wouldn't leave me by myself so I agreed to go in.

 Shortly after that, I was drugged with rohypnol (date rape drug) by a man who was 26. I was 15. He was huge. Weight: 245 lbs. Height: about 5'9 Ok, that's huge to me, I'm 97 lbs. and only 5'1.

 I knew something was seriously wrong with me. I was violently sick and could feel myself kind of fading out. You know? Like I was going into a coma, honestly, that's what I thought. A while later, I was sure I was dying. It was like I was paralyzed, completely unable to move any part of my body, barely able to speak, unaware of where I was or how I got there. I'm only able to recall parts of that night (with a long and painful process I was able to recall parts of the night, with help & time) The last thing I was able to recall, after going inside, was being in his car. Locked in his car and him threatening me. I begged to get out but it wasn't happening. I said I was going to puke so, he got out, came to my door, picked me up and held me at his chest then, dropped me on the ground. I could actually feel my ribs crushing.

 There, I laid, unable to move. The only thing I could do was puke and beg him to call and ambulance or at the least my mother. I remember saying "If you won't let me call my moma and say I love her then, leave me here to die." I knew I was dying. I had no option but to lay on the ground and pray. And I did!

 I know a lot of time passed between that moment and me coming back to, to find myself in a bed but, I'm still unsure how long I was unconscious. The next thing I was able to remember was returning to consciousness enough to feel excruciating pain and know what was going on. He was on top of me, all 245 pounds digging into my ribs. I was too weak to tighten my stomach. As soon as I realized what he was doing with me I managed to scream, using my every strength I yelled for my "friend."

 She came. She stood right in the door way. And watched. Watched him biting my chest, stomach, bottom lip, and other parts of me with his teeth. He had bitten me over 11 times. Each one bled and bruised. My shirt, skirt, and underwear were ruined, stained with blood. The inside of my shirt had thick pieces of MY skin & blood stuck to it.

 I still remember every piece of clothing I had on. I even remember the underwear. I had my current boyfriend burn all of the things I was wearing. I still have scars on my chest and stomach from those bites. When I realized my "friend" wasn't coming to help, but to watch. I knew I had to muster up some strength to fight alone. I did but didn't get far. I was only able to squirm. That was the longest moment of my life and by far the worst.

 When HE was done, he left the room. I tried moving myself but couldn't move. After trying and trying I stood from the bed. With the help of the walls, I stumbled out and made it to the front door. He was standing there, in nothing but his underwear. He threatened my life, my familie's lives, and gave me a detailed description of our where abouts and what he'd do if I told. He let me leave but only if my "friend" drove me straight home. I wasn't allowed to leave alone. She drove me home.

 I couldn't even walk myself to my front door. Thankfully, a guy that I was really close with at the time was on the porch waiting for me & he helped me inside. My neck & chest was showing & had blood, bruises & some black shi* all over me. He freaked and asked 100 questions. I cried. Then I told him everything.

 After that I knew something was really wrong with my ribs because of the excruciating pain so before burning my clothing and showering I had to have "that shi*" done. Come to find out, my ribs were severely bruised, a few other injuries and of course the open wounds from the bites. Then, I was free to go home & stay in bed until the injuries healed. I wasn't able to take a breath with out shrieking for 3 whole days. I slept every bit of those 3 days away except for waking up to shower, use the bathroom, and take meds. I couldn't even smoke a cigarrette for 3 days because of the pain. I was still really high from the rohypnol until the 4th day.

 This past August, the 15th to be exact made it 5 years since it happened. I talked to my "friend" that day. Which was only 2 months ago. She contacted me on Facebook. I guess she felt guilty & needed to relieve her guilt. No apology though. I said little, that was it.

 Anyways, he's free now. He's free to roam the streets and live only 10 min. away from me and free to hurt more women. When it was all over with & I went to the authorities, I found out that he had done the same thing to at least 2 other women.

 For the past 5 years, I have lived in fear of him. I have seen him 6 times out in public. Every time, I've had a panic attack. The very 1st time I seen him out, I was with my current boyfriend & he confronted him. Actually he beat the hell out of him. Needless to say that rapist didn't fight back. After all, a rapist like that only wants to fight a woman that's much weaker than him. He would never fight a real man.

 After seeing him on the road next to mine one day while I was in my car, I freaked and have only drove alone in my car 3 times since. I have never spoken to my "friend" who after speaking with authorities and going through the whole process, I found that she was not a friend at all. She was an accomplice. An accomplice to MY being raped. She set me up.

      *There's more. Yes, more of this story. I will post the next part this week*

REAL MEN DON'T RAPE!

If  you're one of my wonderful readers (p.s. I luv all of you!) you've probably realized that I have alot to say about rape, and women abuse and all that stuff. Well those things began to make their way into my life when I was very young, they are a part of my life that I use to help other women thats the good that came from those horrifying expiriences. Well, Im posting about rape today. Mostly because it stays on my mind alot & lately it has been more than usual. Somebody today mentioned their opinion to me about my situation. He said "well if a woman goes to a party & drinks then, she's 'asking to be raped'" therfore meaning it's her own fault if shes raped. I have heard that alot but I believe that a woman should be able to drink & have fun without deserving to be drugged and raped. I believe that a woman reserves the rights to her body at ALL times. No means no. thats all there is to it.

However, I dont believe that its ok for women to use sex as a tool to manipulate or give away so freely. But still has the right to decide what a man does to her body. I have had alot of opinions on my situation. Not always nice ones. Some people believe that a woman should not refuse to have sex with her partner, & if they do then he has the right to 'take it'. Not true! It does not matter if your in a relationship or not if you say no then that means no. Some people have said that if a woman is wearing any revealling clothing or if she's a 'tease' then, she's asking for it. There are alot of different opinions about what the real definition of rape is.

I'm not in any way attacking men. It's not always the man's fault. Alot of women lie about being raped. If they feel they have to take drastic measures for sympathy or attention. Thats not at all ok! There are so many women that really have been raped but are not believed because of how common it is for women to lie about that. Thats not something to ever lie about. but people still do & because of that, there are many, many rapists running around free to do it over and over again, free to steal another woman's life. & not to mention taking away the man's life who they lied about raping them. All because of the women who lie. Alot of times women will not even tell anybody it's happened in fear of not being believed, or in fear of the rapist.

Just the other day there was a person in my small town arrested & taken to jail for having marijuana. His bond was almost two times higher than a rapists bond! WHOA! Why is it ok for a man to rape, but ot ok for one to smoke? Theres something seriously wrong with that. Smoking is not doing harm to anyone rape is. Well, Ive sad my piece. Now let's hear yours. What do you think about rape? Is it ever a womans fault? Is it her fault if she goes to a party, has a little to drink, then shes raped is that her fault for drinking or wearng revealling clothing? thanks for your opinions! cant wait to read them :)