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Showing posts with label opinions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label opinions. Show all posts
Monday, August 5, 2013
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Tips for writing a prisoner
So, you've decided you might want to start up a pen-palling relationship with a prisoner, but you aren't sure what or how to go about it? Thank God for me!
As I mentioned before, I have began a little bit of a relationship with my lovely pen pal. She's turned out to be a wonderful pen-pal friend and what started out as trying to do something to brighten a stranger's day has now turned into something that I actually benefit from. Call me a sap, but Lilly is actually a great writing friend. Turns out I had a letter from another inmate the other day. He's very kind and it made me so sad and so happy when I read the part of his letter that said that he hadn't received any mail or visitors since 2008! He said I made his day! See, there's a site called Write A Prisoner.com as well as a few others. I prefer Write A Prisoner because they're actually interested in making a difference in the lives of others and they're involved with everyone who joins.
So, you can visit this site and see profiles of inmates. Their loved ones takes the time to put up a profile so people can mail them. That's how I was introduced to mine. The guy who wrote me saying he hadn't recieved anything since 08' has had a profile up for a very long time and nobody has sent him a thing. I couldn't believe it. His crime wasn't even a huge one. He's not a mass murderer, but I just assumed more people had used this means of reaching out to people. I could not imagine being in a cell for decades and never recieveing a visitor or one blasted piece of paper saying "hi, hope all is well." Nothing! It broke my little heart. OK, yea, I'm a little on the sensitive side. My heart hurts when I see a dead animal on the side of the road. I guess some people were just made with extra sensitive hearts to make up for those who have cold hearts, right?
I have not wrote the guy back yet as I'm nervous about that. Lilly was different, she's female. I'm not looking to write someone who ends up having... feelings because I am in a monogamos relationship. It's hard because I want to write back and say "bless your little heart! I'll be your shoulder. Lean on me. I'll be the one to brighten your day by sending a piece of paper." I want to, but I do not want to be responsible for any kind of bad things! The guy is a good bit older than me, close to my own dad's age, but hey, when you've been locked up I suppose even a youngster looks good.
I'll write something back to the guy. Maybe it'll turn out that he truly only wants a friend as well. If it turns out that he doesn't, I will find him a pen-pal that is OK with that type of relationship.
Now, that's just a bit of my story. I thought it might be something useful. However, I do believe some people, prisoner should be able to communicate. Think about the other people in there who have nobody. I'm sure there's someone out there besides me who would enjoy a little letter writing. It's not like you have to work hard. Most of the time you'll get a letter from them one week and by the time you send them one back, it's a month before you hear back. No time consuming work here.
I'm not trying to convince anyone to write an inmate. I'm only hoping to bring this to ya'll's attention that they are out there (or IN there) and maybe it's something you've never thought of, but are interested in. If not, that's OK.
However, if you do think you want to write a prisoner, sites like Write A Prisoner are your best friend. A good tip though, is to not send out multiple pen-pal requests at once! You don't want to end up with 10 inmates responding with "yes" and then it turn into a burden. I highly recommend finding one that seems to fit you well--look through their profiles. Wait for a response. You may not get one. Some responses take up to a month. Some only a week. If you get a yes and still want another pen-pal, no problem. Feel free. Nothing wrong with that.
BE SERIOUS
Do not write to someone and promise to pen-pal them if you don't truly plan to write occasionally! That's hurtful and can be damaging to someone who's stuck in a prison cell. If you cannot commit to a letter every month or two, either be up front about it or reconsider taking it on. You don't have to write back as soon as you get their letter, but you shouldn't request a pen-pal if you're going to string them along for a few months and not keep up.
RESEARCH
Find out why the person is in prison. Are you uncomfortable writing a murderer? Then research them before writing! You need to know a bit about the person first. If you've read their crime and their personal profile and you both are looking for the same thing i.e. a friend, a relationship-- no problem. You don't want to request a pen-pal only to find out they've killed and then want to back out. That'd be awkward!
These are just a few things I thought may be helpful to someone considering pen-palling with a prisoner. This is one thing I like to do to brighten someone's day. There are other ways. If this particular hobby does not interest you, take up something else. Compliment a stranger, leave a kind word for someone you know. If pen-palling a prisoner is a way you brighten someone's day, I'd love to hear your stories! How did you meet? How long have you been pen-palling? Are you close friends with your pen-pal? Any tips YOU think I left out here? All shares are welcome. Of course, I'll be on this topic again at some point I'm sure.
As I mentioned before, I have began a little bit of a relationship with my lovely pen pal. She's turned out to be a wonderful pen-pal friend and what started out as trying to do something to brighten a stranger's day has now turned into something that I actually benefit from. Call me a sap, but Lilly is actually a great writing friend. Turns out I had a letter from another inmate the other day. He's very kind and it made me so sad and so happy when I read the part of his letter that said that he hadn't received any mail or visitors since 2008! He said I made his day! See, there's a site called Write A Prisoner.com as well as a few others. I prefer Write A Prisoner because they're actually interested in making a difference in the lives of others and they're involved with everyone who joins.
So, you can visit this site and see profiles of inmates. Their loved ones takes the time to put up a profile so people can mail them. That's how I was introduced to mine. The guy who wrote me saying he hadn't recieved anything since 08' has had a profile up for a very long time and nobody has sent him a thing. I couldn't believe it. His crime wasn't even a huge one. He's not a mass murderer, but I just assumed more people had used this means of reaching out to people. I could not imagine being in a cell for decades and never recieveing a visitor or one blasted piece of paper saying "hi, hope all is well." Nothing! It broke my little heart. OK, yea, I'm a little on the sensitive side. My heart hurts when I see a dead animal on the side of the road. I guess some people were just made with extra sensitive hearts to make up for those who have cold hearts, right?
I have not wrote the guy back yet as I'm nervous about that. Lilly was different, she's female. I'm not looking to write someone who ends up having... feelings because I am in a monogamos relationship. It's hard because I want to write back and say "bless your little heart! I'll be your shoulder. Lean on me. I'll be the one to brighten your day by sending a piece of paper." I want to, but I do not want to be responsible for any kind of bad things! The guy is a good bit older than me, close to my own dad's age, but hey, when you've been locked up I suppose even a youngster looks good.
I'll write something back to the guy. Maybe it'll turn out that he truly only wants a friend as well. If it turns out that he doesn't, I will find him a pen-pal that is OK with that type of relationship.
Now, that's just a bit of my story. I thought it might be something useful. However, I do believe some people, prisoner should be able to communicate. Think about the other people in there who have nobody. I'm sure there's someone out there besides me who would enjoy a little letter writing. It's not like you have to work hard. Most of the time you'll get a letter from them one week and by the time you send them one back, it's a month before you hear back. No time consuming work here.
I'm not trying to convince anyone to write an inmate. I'm only hoping to bring this to ya'll's attention that they are out there (or IN there) and maybe it's something you've never thought of, but are interested in. If not, that's OK.
However, if you do think you want to write a prisoner, sites like Write A Prisoner are your best friend. A good tip though, is to not send out multiple pen-pal requests at once! You don't want to end up with 10 inmates responding with "yes" and then it turn into a burden. I highly recommend finding one that seems to fit you well--look through their profiles. Wait for a response. You may not get one. Some responses take up to a month. Some only a week. If you get a yes and still want another pen-pal, no problem. Feel free. Nothing wrong with that.
BE SERIOUS
Do not write to someone and promise to pen-pal them if you don't truly plan to write occasionally! That's hurtful and can be damaging to someone who's stuck in a prison cell. If you cannot commit to a letter every month or two, either be up front about it or reconsider taking it on. You don't have to write back as soon as you get their letter, but you shouldn't request a pen-pal if you're going to string them along for a few months and not keep up.
RESEARCH
Find out why the person is in prison. Are you uncomfortable writing a murderer? Then research them before writing! You need to know a bit about the person first. If you've read their crime and their personal profile and you both are looking for the same thing i.e. a friend, a relationship-- no problem. You don't want to request a pen-pal only to find out they've killed and then want to back out. That'd be awkward!
These are just a few things I thought may be helpful to someone considering pen-palling with a prisoner. This is one thing I like to do to brighten someone's day. There are other ways. If this particular hobby does not interest you, take up something else. Compliment a stranger, leave a kind word for someone you know. If pen-palling a prisoner is a way you brighten someone's day, I'd love to hear your stories! How did you meet? How long have you been pen-palling? Are you close friends with your pen-pal? Any tips YOU think I left out here? All shares are welcome. Of course, I'll be on this topic again at some point I'm sure.
Friday, February 24, 2012
You're not entitled to stick anything in anyone's rear but your own!
My leetle lovelies, it has been a while since I've updated you with one of my crazy incidents. Of course I had the dental mess going on and still have to finish my root canal next month, but I'm out of pain finally! However, I really couldn't resist telling about my oh so lovely GYN visit today! This isn't exactly disgusting so don't worry.
My birthday is the 26th of this month and those darn yearly exams for women are awful. They have me a crazy mess for the day before I go in, the day of and sometimes a day later! They just bring up some nasty feelings from my past for some reason. I just feel violated! What I'm saying though, is whatever, I can get through that. While I have had some horrible exam experiences with different GYN's, my new lady is awesome, but she did make me have a nervous breakdown today.
I went in dreading it and already feeling a little bad, you know, past experiences! Traumatic! Before I go on though, am I the only one who has those "feelings" come up when it comes time for pap smears and pelvic exams? I've about drove myself crazy thinking that, well, that I'm crazy because of my linking being raped to pelvic exams. So I want to ask, am I the only girl who gets this? If not, maybe I'm not so weird.
So, those feelings were there and that really puts me on edge for a couple of days. I dread it every year, but just about every time, the pelvic exam goes OK and I don't feel like my Dr. actually violated me, but the feelings from being raped come up and I turn crazy. I even reserve that day every year for sleeping until the school bus runs. I get the exam, cancel anything, school, work, whatever and I sleep for a few hours and then I'm usually half way normal.
OK, I'm going to have to talk about more than I expected here. So my yearly visits have never consisted of rectal exams or even an HIV test! I've had to go elsewhere for that, but the nurses would tell patients they did test for HIV when they did not! Hence the reason, the staff is all new now! So I was surprised when my new lady mentioned the HIV tests and I told her that at least 80% of people my age since high school have never been tested, but think they have. She said she planned to change that and offer the test every visit. That's great and I did want to get tested again just to be sure. No, it was not positive! I'm good!
So I got my second dose of the HPV vaccine which brings me to another real problem. The GYN I was seeing the first time gave me my first HPV vaccine dose, but the second GYN that I was seeing for a few years never would give it to me! Today she also made sure I got that nice stab in the arm along with my usual injection for endometriosis help. There are some real flaws in these systems!
Then it was time for the exam which again brings me to ANOTHER real big problem. A few years ago my GYN found lumps in my breast and they stayed very sore, but the lumps would come and go. She wanted me to come back in every month to have them checked. Come to find out, I had never actually been FULLY tested for the breast exam! I spent months terrified a few years back when the GYN mentioned my lumps. I even cried one night! Then suddenly she never mentioned my lumps or told me a single thing about them and never tested me again after those few months of feeling them passed. Hmmm..
Today my new GYN asked me was I given the full exam which included feeling with your hands of the tissue, standing and doing all kinds of movements to check them as well as feeling the lymph nodes in my thighs, neck and underarms. Nope. The only exam I was ever given (for the past 8 damn years!) was when they GYN would feel my breasts with her hands. That's total shit if you ask me! Breast cancer can happen so young these days and I'm highly pissed that all of us in my area were not being properly tested.
Well the good news is my new, good GYN said that I'm safe. The lumps are only fibro.. something cysts. Fibrostic cysts, I think she said?
Then on to the pap exam. I spent an hour and a half naked while she could not find my cervix! I have a tilted cervix and she couldn't find it. She asked me if I had had a hysterectomy.
I said "Nope. It's in there somewhere! I've seen it before!" I took pictures is how I've seen it. Before I gross you out though, I'll stop. The exam was awful because she couldn't find my cervix and had to bring in the injection-administering lady. It actually turned out to be sort of funny and we were all able to laugh so that helped tremendously. Then the horror!
She said "We've started including rectal exams with the full annual exam."
I turned my head because the tears and nervous breakdown had begun. I was about to put my clothes on and walk out.
She said "What is wrong? Is something wrong? Oh my goodness! You were traumatized weren't you?"
I could not hold in my breakdown any longer. I was not anally traumatized... sort of. But I did mention why I had such issues with pap exams a minute ago. I can get past that though because I do work hard to keep informed myself with how things should work and with my own body. I work very hard on my health and even check my own darn cervix! (A camera, my partner and a speculum, in-case you're wondering how the hell that's possible). OK, cervical cancer and HPV is so common even at my age (21) and there's no way I'm going to avoid something so crucial that can be stopped if caught early. Having a professional check is great, but I educate myself extensively to know exactly everything. They're not always careful and many times are careless about your health, I've experienced it so I want to do my own part.
OK, smash my chest. Jab, swab and have your face 3 inches away from my cooter in search of my little cervix, but hell no, you will not ever put anything in my booty! No. No. So she did catch on that I was super nervous in general, but when she mentioned rectal exam, my rectal was outta there! She immediately started apologizing and didn't stop until I left. Poor thing. I told her that I was just upset before coming in since I tend to get emotional over those feelings that come up from the past. I didn't have to say no to her, she knew I couldn't go through it. Yes, exams are uncomfortable for all of us, but there's a difference in being uncomfortable and having yucky feelings brought up for a couple days and being totally traumatized all over again. I have no idea why the rectal thing bothers me more than the pap smear when I was violated in the cooter, not the rectum! Lol.
So she told me she'd never mention it again. She said she would write "refused" on my charts and move on. Thank you, Jesus.
See, a few years back, when I first started getting very ill and after being hospitalized for the very first time, I was referred to this total freak physician or something. I'm not for name calling, but y'all, this woman totally freaked me out! I was only a teen. Almost 16 years old and I went to this weird physician or whatever she was since the hospital referred me. She did ultra sounds and a pelvic exam and lots of asthma treatments and then acted very suspicious. She touched my booty without telling me and I flung myself off that darn table and said "WHAT do you think you are doing?!" I've never been so freaked. She kept chasing me with her hand as I backed away from her. This is for real too! She said "I'm just gonna put my finger right on your butt." I said "and then what?" I knew exactly what the damn creep was gonna do, but what was wrong was that she wasn't going to tell me about it? What kind of crap is that? So I refused and she told me I was not leaving her office until she did, that she would not let me leave! This was not a hospital, but some freaking office. Surely she had no right. Anyways, that left me really upset and still I can't stand the thought of it. I mean it tears me up! That could be one thing, but I'm not into anal. Thankfully, I felt better today when my new GYN said "Like my husband says, that's an exit only!" Ha. Ha. So it was nice to have her agree with my discomfort about it.
Now that I'm older and smarter, I should've really pushed getting something done about that doctor doing that. Maybe I'm crazy, but it feels like I was almost molested. :( Oh, well as long as nobody every goes near my behind, I'm happy. I'll suffer through a pelvic exam, but she said I was not at high risk at all for a rectal exam and I would be perfectly fine.
So, before I go on, do any of you feel like this? Men, I know some of you guys can relate! My grandmother was telling me a story about when my grandfather was still alive and the Dr. tried giving him a rectal exam and he totally flipped on them! Sounded just like what I went through. Lol. He's not with us anymore, but no, it is not because he refused a rectal exam!
Also, I'd like to hear from other rape survivors on this. Does anybody else in the world have freak-outs over these exams? I'm afraid I'm alone in this one! :)
Now, I hate to continue this already long read, but there's one more thing about my visit today that I cannot leave out. Believe me, you're lucky because I did leave out a lot! Ha Ha. I left out the part where I crammed my purse full of supplies as I was getting dressed! Hee Hee Hee! I'm telling you, a box of rubber gloves come in handy! Ha. Ha.
I'll make it short, promise. . .
While I was in the waiting room/lobby, I saw a stack dirty mags! Not actual porn, but this popular magazine is bad enough that even Walmart had to pull it from the shelves! So I'm in the GYN office which is also an office with a pediatrician or something like that so there's the nasty mags on the table and in front of them, a play section for kids! Are you freaking kidding me? I flipped through, curious to see if they would actually have that kind of material.
Sure enough! Pages and pages littered and trashed with degrading, disgusting and plain out trashy photos! I ripped the first out, crammed it in my pocket to throw away. Flipped the page, more! I ripped and ripped until I was afraid I couldn't hold another piece of magazine paper in my pockets.
Then I remember my ol' trusty sharpie! I pulled that baby out and scribbled every last image out. Total black! No way you could see the trash through my scribbles. By this time I was light headed from 4 total minutes of sleep and the fumes! I flipped through all the mags to be sure nothing was left for some poor kid to stumble across or someone else who wouldn't like being forced to see it.
So, I accomplished getting rid of that trash, but I thought 'hmm... shouldn't these people know what's in these magazines so they don't put them out anymore?' And the activist or bitch or both came out in me and I found my little address book/calendar in my purse and ripped out a page. After writing "INAPPROPRIATE MATERIAL!!" in huge, thick black letters, I carefully sat it on top of the magazines. :) My work there was done. My good deed, done! It felt so good!
Knowing the people who run the place, they won't be putting out the magazine again, but I couldn't sit back and not do something. Thanks to the wonderful American Decency, I had the courage to do that. I might get fired up about someone trying to put something in my rear and then I cuss, but I'm a good girl!
You might think that what I did isn't enough to make a difference, but it is. This convenient station in my area was selling porn, real porn and it was right at the checkout! I wrote the owner a letter explaining how degrading, harmful and bad it was and that I wouldn't shop somewhere that I was forced to see that mess. I asked kindly that they put it away or in the back and guess what? I stopped in there 3 months ago for the first time and there hasn't been a single magazine or video that could resemble porn! :) My SO & I have actually become kind of buddies with the owner now and we have a great time laughing when we go in.
How awesome is that? And just in-case you're the kind of person who's wanted badly to stand up against something, but was afraid... You won't regret it when you finally do, I promise! You truly can change things and there's no reward like it when you do. All it takes many times is a simple letter. Sign anonymously if you're uncomfortable, but never stand by and keep quiet!
Well, I'm officially done with my huge mixture of stories. I hope you are encouraged either to refuse anything be put in your rectum or to stand up for something you believe in. Either way, I'll love ya!
Much love and remember, I would love to hear from you, especially if you feel the need to tell me that I'm not the only freak with weird feelings towards something like a darn rectal or pap exam! :)
-Kendra
My birthday is the 26th of this month and those darn yearly exams for women are awful. They have me a crazy mess for the day before I go in, the day of and sometimes a day later! They just bring up some nasty feelings from my past for some reason. I just feel violated! What I'm saying though, is whatever, I can get through that. While I have had some horrible exam experiences with different GYN's, my new lady is awesome, but she did make me have a nervous breakdown today.
I went in dreading it and already feeling a little bad, you know, past experiences! Traumatic! Before I go on though, am I the only one who has those "feelings" come up when it comes time for pap smears and pelvic exams? I've about drove myself crazy thinking that, well, that I'm crazy because of my linking being raped to pelvic exams. So I want to ask, am I the only girl who gets this? If not, maybe I'm not so weird.
So, those feelings were there and that really puts me on edge for a couple of days. I dread it every year, but just about every time, the pelvic exam goes OK and I don't feel like my Dr. actually violated me, but the feelings from being raped come up and I turn crazy. I even reserve that day every year for sleeping until the school bus runs. I get the exam, cancel anything, school, work, whatever and I sleep for a few hours and then I'm usually half way normal.
OK, I'm going to have to talk about more than I expected here. So my yearly visits have never consisted of rectal exams or even an HIV test! I've had to go elsewhere for that, but the nurses would tell patients they did test for HIV when they did not! Hence the reason, the staff is all new now! So I was surprised when my new lady mentioned the HIV tests and I told her that at least 80% of people my age since high school have never been tested, but think they have. She said she planned to change that and offer the test every visit. That's great and I did want to get tested again just to be sure. No, it was not positive! I'm good!
So I got my second dose of the HPV vaccine which brings me to another real problem. The GYN I was seeing the first time gave me my first HPV vaccine dose, but the second GYN that I was seeing for a few years never would give it to me! Today she also made sure I got that nice stab in the arm along with my usual injection for endometriosis help. There are some real flaws in these systems!
Then it was time for the exam which again brings me to ANOTHER real big problem. A few years ago my GYN found lumps in my breast and they stayed very sore, but the lumps would come and go. She wanted me to come back in every month to have them checked. Come to find out, I had never actually been FULLY tested for the breast exam! I spent months terrified a few years back when the GYN mentioned my lumps. I even cried one night! Then suddenly she never mentioned my lumps or told me a single thing about them and never tested me again after those few months of feeling them passed. Hmmm..
Today my new GYN asked me was I given the full exam which included feeling with your hands of the tissue, standing and doing all kinds of movements to check them as well as feeling the lymph nodes in my thighs, neck and underarms. Nope. The only exam I was ever given (for the past 8 damn years!) was when they GYN would feel my breasts with her hands. That's total shit if you ask me! Breast cancer can happen so young these days and I'm highly pissed that all of us in my area were not being properly tested.
Well the good news is my new, good GYN said that I'm safe. The lumps are only fibro.. something cysts. Fibrostic cysts, I think she said?
Then on to the pap exam. I spent an hour and a half naked while she could not find my cervix! I have a tilted cervix and she couldn't find it. She asked me if I had had a hysterectomy.
I said "Nope. It's in there somewhere! I've seen it before!" I took pictures is how I've seen it. Before I gross you out though, I'll stop. The exam was awful because she couldn't find my cervix and had to bring in the injection-administering lady. It actually turned out to be sort of funny and we were all able to laugh so that helped tremendously. Then the horror!
She said "We've started including rectal exams with the full annual exam."
I turned my head because the tears and nervous breakdown had begun. I was about to put my clothes on and walk out.
She said "What is wrong? Is something wrong? Oh my goodness! You were traumatized weren't you?"
I could not hold in my breakdown any longer. I was not anally traumatized... sort of. But I did mention why I had such issues with pap exams a minute ago. I can get past that though because I do work hard to keep informed myself with how things should work and with my own body. I work very hard on my health and even check my own darn cervix! (A camera, my partner and a speculum, in-case you're wondering how the hell that's possible). OK, cervical cancer and HPV is so common even at my age (21) and there's no way I'm going to avoid something so crucial that can be stopped if caught early. Having a professional check is great, but I educate myself extensively to know exactly everything. They're not always careful and many times are careless about your health, I've experienced it so I want to do my own part.
OK, smash my chest. Jab, swab and have your face 3 inches away from my cooter in search of my little cervix, but hell no, you will not ever put anything in my booty! No. No. So she did catch on that I was super nervous in general, but when she mentioned rectal exam, my rectal was outta there! She immediately started apologizing and didn't stop until I left. Poor thing. I told her that I was just upset before coming in since I tend to get emotional over those feelings that come up from the past. I didn't have to say no to her, she knew I couldn't go through it. Yes, exams are uncomfortable for all of us, but there's a difference in being uncomfortable and having yucky feelings brought up for a couple days and being totally traumatized all over again. I have no idea why the rectal thing bothers me more than the pap smear when I was violated in the cooter, not the rectum! Lol.
So she told me she'd never mention it again. She said she would write "refused" on my charts and move on. Thank you, Jesus.
See, a few years back, when I first started getting very ill and after being hospitalized for the very first time, I was referred to this total freak physician or something. I'm not for name calling, but y'all, this woman totally freaked me out! I was only a teen. Almost 16 years old and I went to this weird physician or whatever she was since the hospital referred me. She did ultra sounds and a pelvic exam and lots of asthma treatments and then acted very suspicious. She touched my booty without telling me and I flung myself off that darn table and said "WHAT do you think you are doing?!" I've never been so freaked. She kept chasing me with her hand as I backed away from her. This is for real too! She said "I'm just gonna put my finger right on your butt." I said "and then what?" I knew exactly what the damn creep was gonna do, but what was wrong was that she wasn't going to tell me about it? What kind of crap is that? So I refused and she told me I was not leaving her office until she did, that she would not let me leave! This was not a hospital, but some freaking office. Surely she had no right. Anyways, that left me really upset and still I can't stand the thought of it. I mean it tears me up! That could be one thing, but I'm not into anal. Thankfully, I felt better today when my new GYN said "Like my husband says, that's an exit only!" Ha. Ha. So it was nice to have her agree with my discomfort about it.
Now that I'm older and smarter, I should've really pushed getting something done about that doctor doing that. Maybe I'm crazy, but it feels like I was almost molested. :( Oh, well as long as nobody every goes near my behind, I'm happy. I'll suffer through a pelvic exam, but she said I was not at high risk at all for a rectal exam and I would be perfectly fine.
So, before I go on, do any of you feel like this? Men, I know some of you guys can relate! My grandmother was telling me a story about when my grandfather was still alive and the Dr. tried giving him a rectal exam and he totally flipped on them! Sounded just like what I went through. Lol. He's not with us anymore, but no, it is not because he refused a rectal exam!
Also, I'd like to hear from other rape survivors on this. Does anybody else in the world have freak-outs over these exams? I'm afraid I'm alone in this one! :)
Now, I hate to continue this already long read, but there's one more thing about my visit today that I cannot leave out. Believe me, you're lucky because I did leave out a lot! Ha Ha. I left out the part where I crammed my purse full of supplies as I was getting dressed! Hee Hee Hee! I'm telling you, a box of rubber gloves come in handy! Ha. Ha.
I'll make it short, promise. . .
While I was in the waiting room/lobby, I saw a stack dirty mags! Not actual porn, but this popular magazine is bad enough that even Walmart had to pull it from the shelves! So I'm in the GYN office which is also an office with a pediatrician or something like that so there's the nasty mags on the table and in front of them, a play section for kids! Are you freaking kidding me? I flipped through, curious to see if they would actually have that kind of material.
Sure enough! Pages and pages littered and trashed with degrading, disgusting and plain out trashy photos! I ripped the first out, crammed it in my pocket to throw away. Flipped the page, more! I ripped and ripped until I was afraid I couldn't hold another piece of magazine paper in my pockets.
Then I remember my ol' trusty sharpie! I pulled that baby out and scribbled every last image out. Total black! No way you could see the trash through my scribbles. By this time I was light headed from 4 total minutes of sleep and the fumes! I flipped through all the mags to be sure nothing was left for some poor kid to stumble across or someone else who wouldn't like being forced to see it.
So, I accomplished getting rid of that trash, but I thought 'hmm... shouldn't these people know what's in these magazines so they don't put them out anymore?' And the activist or bitch or both came out in me and I found my little address book/calendar in my purse and ripped out a page. After writing "INAPPROPRIATE MATERIAL!!" in huge, thick black letters, I carefully sat it on top of the magazines. :) My work there was done. My good deed, done! It felt so good!
Knowing the people who run the place, they won't be putting out the magazine again, but I couldn't sit back and not do something. Thanks to the wonderful American Decency, I had the courage to do that. I might get fired up about someone trying to put something in my rear and then I cuss, but I'm a good girl!
You might think that what I did isn't enough to make a difference, but it is. This convenient station in my area was selling porn, real porn and it was right at the checkout! I wrote the owner a letter explaining how degrading, harmful and bad it was and that I wouldn't shop somewhere that I was forced to see that mess. I asked kindly that they put it away or in the back and guess what? I stopped in there 3 months ago for the first time and there hasn't been a single magazine or video that could resemble porn! :) My SO & I have actually become kind of buddies with the owner now and we have a great time laughing when we go in.
How awesome is that? And just in-case you're the kind of person who's wanted badly to stand up against something, but was afraid... You won't regret it when you finally do, I promise! You truly can change things and there's no reward like it when you do. All it takes many times is a simple letter. Sign anonymously if you're uncomfortable, but never stand by and keep quiet!
Well, I'm officially done with my huge mixture of stories. I hope you are encouraged either to refuse anything be put in your rectum or to stand up for something you believe in. Either way, I'll love ya!
Much love and remember, I would love to hear from you, especially if you feel the need to tell me that I'm not the only freak with weird feelings towards something like a darn rectal or pap exam! :)
-Kendra
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Men in women's dressing rooms.
A while back, where I do some part-time work, we had a little meeting and some people were discussing the whole men being allowed in female dressing rooms and possibly restrooms. When I stated my opinion on the matter (I'm opposed to it in case you're wondering and I will say why.) things got WAY out of hand. Turns out, I was the only person who saw the idea of being dangerous and I was completely attacked over it! My job was also threatened for me stating my opinion! Honestly though, I wasn't hateful about it at all.
Anyways, after reading about Macy's firing an employee because she refused to let a man go in the ladies dressing room (he said he was really a woman) - in the American Decency newsletter, I couldn't keep quiet anymore.
I understand this heated discussion was at our work place so I can see it being something the employers don't like. What I can't understand is why I was the only one threatened and completely shi* on. I mean, the things co-workers and those above me said to me after I stated my opinion was far worse than my opinion itself! That's beside the point...
For a while now, I've almost blogged about this, but I tried forever to let it "blow over." Now I'm not talking about the stupid work discussion. I'm talking about the issue in general and the company I work for might not like to hear my opinions if they differ from theirs, but this is my blog. I'm free to go ahead and say how I feel and the main reason I'm doing so is because I think if someone happens across this, it might open their eyes or maybe someone who feels the same as me will see this and feel encouraged, maybe even speak out themselves! Now is a great time to go ahead and say: if you are opposed to Macy's "policy" of allowing males into female dressing rooms you can send them a letter here:
I'll explain a little before I go on my rant. The above link is where you can go to send Macy's a letter asking them to change that policy. You don't have to type your own words as the wonderful American Decency.org has one "pre-written." You can simply put your name and email and hit send or you can fill in your own personalized letter like I did. To read more about the topic before sending a letter you can do so here:
American Deceny has truly been a life saver for me. They're where I often get my resources when I want to take action and I can't even begin to say how much I've learned and accomplished with those guys. They're simply amazing! While I might not agree with every single thing they do (that would be rare though!) they're a wonderful organization to sign up with, get newsletters, etc. Anyways, back to topic...
First I want to go ahead and say that I have absolutely no "beef" with gays or transgenders or any person in the world. If you know me at all, you've probably gathered that I'm a lover! I love people of all kind. I'm not against gay people. I have gay family members and I accept them just like the straight ones! I don't have issues with transgender people either. Just because we might not live the same kind of life or have the same preferences does not mean I am opposed to them. I love all kinds of people! Ok, that's out of the way...
My problem with this whole Macy's allowing men in the women's dressing room is simple enough if you take the time to listen.
Number 1: If Macy's decides to let men in the women's dressing room, more companies will follow in their stupid foot steps and my biggest problem is what's next? If men are allowed in our dressing rooms is it only a matter of time before they're allowed in our restrooms? BUT me saying I don't like this makes me sexist, against LGBT and horrible. When I say I don't like that policy because of the risks and privacy violation, I MUST be against them, right? Wrong! OK? In this case, Macy's is putting their LGBT customers above all else, as if they're better customers? This is not equal treatment. What about our privacy, our rights?
Number 2: My problem is not Macy's really. It's that this could turn into a policy that our everyday grocery store develops and it's stepping on the rights of women and children and men who aren't comfortable.
Number 3: If a man can claim to be a transgender, he's allowed in. That simple? Wait! So my little girl could be using the dressing room and any man could claim to be transgender and go do as he pleases?! Also, what about me? I'm not the kind of woman that will be naked in front of strangers. It's a violation of my privacy if all it takes is a man saying "Oh, didn't you know? I'm transgender." and bam!
Number 4: Are we really going to pretend rapists, molestors and other sick, sorry as hell predators AREN'T going to use this as an excuse? One of the people in the discussion at work said to me "are you stupid? Do you REALLY think rapists are going to go through the trouble of that?" Ha! Yes, yes I do. You know why? Because guys, I was raped. I know firsthand what a predator will do to get what he wants and if the sorry piece of crap would go so far as to put drugs in a woman's drink, don't you think he'd go so far as to pretend he's trans just to get his victim? Yes. It's true and it's real. I'm not saying this is bound to happen, but doesn't it raise the risks? Doesn't it concern you or worry you?
Or how about the guy who sees a female going in the dressing room and just wants to "sneak one little peek." Do we really think somebody in this world won't use that? I'm sorry, but I feel very strongly about this and being someone who's been through crappy things in my life, I tend to get fired up any time I feel women's privacy is being violated or pushed to the side like we don't matter. I don't know many women who'd be comfortable changing in a dressing room with men in there. Think about those gaping holes in the doors and in a lot of dressing rooms, only a shower curtain! WTF? No, Macy's, I will NOT be trying on any clothing at your store! As a matter of fact, I won't even step foot in a Macy's store. Maybe when men and women, children AND trans people are given equal rights, then I would consider it. As far as I'm concerned Macy's is unethical and I don't think I could even get over the stupididty enough to ever go to a Macy's again. Yes, that's strong, but I do have my reasons for such strong concern.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Hey, Wal-Mart, screw you and your special magazine rack covers!
I'll go ahead and say it, our little family (my partner, myself and kid) are have very strong views on certain things. One of them, pornography. Yep, I'm "one of those." You can rest assured that as long as I'm bitching about it, I'm doing something about it. I am the kind of person that doesn't want to be forced to see trashy, nasty, degrading images that are also HARMFUL. I'm all for not looking if I don't like most things, but having this type of thing forced on us everytime we're at the checkout line is absolutely unacceptable. Wal-Mart, I'm talking to you! AGAIN! Wal-Mart, the family based, blah blah blah forcing us to view this trash. Let me go ahead and remind you about the man that was charged for... ahem... masturbating in the toy aisle of wal-mart with one of the nasty magazines they sell. Yep, he took it to the toy aisle, whipped it out and went to town. He also wiped his... leftovers (peter tracks) on a toy sword! What?! Whoa. That's when Wal-Mart finally decided they would change things and start listening to our pleas. Well, they said they were changing things, but this e-mail I have between myself and Wal-Mart kinda just shows that was yet another lie!
So, this is not a simple rant. It's actually the copied and pasted version of the response from Wal-Mart when I e-mailed them back in September. Unfortunately, I can't find my first email to them to save my life. To clear any confusion, it was an e-mail reminding wal-mart of the guy masturbating to one of their dirty mags. I also gave them a pretty big chunk of my feelings toward this whole issue. I told them that I'm tired of being forced to view this mess, I'm tired of women being made out to look like disposable objects, I'm tired of our innocent kids being forced to see it and getting really warped ideas of how we're supposed to treat women and even more warped ideas on what sex actually is! Ahem, COSMO, that was so directed toward you. You're next on my list.
So to make a long story short, I joined in with the thousands of others begging Wal-Mart to stop putting dirty magazines in checkout lines where we're forced to see it. I don't want my kids seeing that or seeing "how to give the best blow job" Yea, SCREW YOU COSMO! I mean if others are going to involve themselves in that stuff, fine, but why should those of us who don't be forced to as well? At the very least, that trash should be covered up where it's not readable or viewable besides the title.
Oh, whoops! Wal-Mart says they've already developed that "policy". I wrote them back letting them know that apparently the magazine rack cover policy does not apply to Tennessee, Georgia, Alabama and many, many other states. I wasn't surprised that I got no reply back! I did think that maybe it just hasn't came into effect over here. Wrong! Wal-Mart hasn't done anything about the issue. Here's the reply from Wal-Mart to me back in September when I expressed my concerns...
"> -----Original Message-----
> From: cstreply@wal-mart.com
> Sent: Fri, 30 Sep 2011 13:04:35 -0500
> To: kendra30752@inbox.com Subject: Response from Wal-Mart Stores, Inc. (Ref #000000030351042)
"> -----Original Message-----
> From: cstreply@wal-mart.com
> Sent: Fri, 30 Sep 2011 13:04:35 -0500
> To: kendra30752@inbox.com Subject: Response from Wal-Mart Stores, Inc. (Ref #000000030351042)
"Thank you for your message.
Dear Kendra,
Thank you for taking the time to share your concerns regarding the magazines we offer in our stores. Serving the one hundred million customers who shop in our stores each week can be quite challenging, yet it is something we have been committed to do for more than 40 years. In our efforts to strike a reasonable balance for our customers who want to purchase magazines and our customers who are uncomfortable seeing specific magazine covers at the checkout lanes, we have implemented special magazine rack covers at ourcheckout displays.
The left and right sides of the magazine -- where story headlines appear -- are covered, while leaving the magazine title and the page center visible for easy identification. These covers are only on the display racks at our checkout lanes. The magazine itself is not altered; it is simply placed behind a special rack cover. This decision was made after testing several different concepts earlier in the year, and our hope is that this action will strike a reasonable balance for customers on both sides of the issue. We always appreciate hearing from you and other customers.
Sincerely,
Walmart Customer Care"
Sincerely,
Walmart Customer Care"
Friday, August 19, 2011
HOW TO RAPE? One Guy's Account on How to Rape Someone
"Choosing a victim group is a simple yet usually underestimated consideration. Some noob rapists are concerned that their "victim group" may form their M.O., and make it easier for the authorities to
As you know, women are begging for it, and despite their pleas to the contrary really do want it. Everyone knows that when a woman says "no", she doesn't really mean it! Still, potential 'victims' will not usually stand before you like a buffet (they do have their pride, you know). So to play it safe at the start, and to find out what your tastes are, be sure to pick a broad victim group. Young children, teenagers, stay-at-home moms, pizza delivery girls, old ladies, early morning joggers, illegal immigrants, or your sister's friends all have their fans. Pick a few of those to start with. But while variety is the spice of life, advanced rapists often choose to narrow down to a more specific group. Note: No matter what group you end up with, perfect the manly arts of jumping out of bushes, arm-pinning, opening lines ("Don't scream or I'll mark up that pretty face" scores high in our chatroom discussions), and forced serenades."
And then the total dumbass, douche-bag, sorry, sick sonofabitch bastard-that-needs-his-peter-whacked-off and then raped himself to see just how it could feel. (Only that couldn't possibly be enough for a rapist. This piece of shit article ENCOURAGES rapists.
Here's a bit more...
"Much talk has been devoted to surprise rapes, but that's for amateurs. The professional approach not only depends on the makeup of your target group but on developing a pleasing personality. Luring 'victims' into the back of your van, plying them with rohypnol-laced drinks, using candy and stuffed animals as bait, or the ever-popular offer to change their bedpan are all effective strategies. It's best to downplay your intentions; potential 'victims' may get a bit skittish if you bring up your entertaining hidden-agenda too soon in the conversation. So avoid saying things like, "Whaddya think about me raping you honey? Ya into that?", or "Tell me your favorite rape fantasy". Save it until the mood is right for both of you."
ENOUGH SAID. I WASN'T ABLE TO FIND A "REPORT THIS" BUTTON ON THE SITE, BUT I ADDED MY OWN THOUGHTS FOR THE BASTARD. I'M SURE MANY MORE WILL AS WELL. HOW CAN ANYONE ALLOW THIS ON THIER SITE? IS IT JUST ME OR DOES THIS INFURIATE YOU TOO?
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Twincidents - What it's Like to Be A Twin
TWINCIDENTS - Do twins feel each other's pain?
OK this is something that can be taken into deep detail and facts, etc. I don't care to go there. My answer is simply, yes sometimes twins do feel the other's pain! It's true for us and it's true for many twins.
When my twin and I were about 10 years old, one of our cousins who we didn't spend much time with outside of family gatherings and waiting for the bus, used to test us every single day we waited for the bus. He would punch me or my sister in the arm and when the other didn't say "ouch!" He'd make us. Lol. Sometimes I would get the punch and he'd make her say "Ouch!" and some days I was lucky, she'd get the punch and all I had to do was say ouch. Funny, but not logical. Twins don't feel everything the other feels, but they do feel and have very particular connections with each other that no other person can have or sometimes easily understand.
We've had our Twincidents forever and it's totally normal to us, but people around us will hear us talking and often flip out,.I'll let you in on a few incidents we've had.
Several years ago when my problems from endomteriosis and the yucky issues I've had since 13 just started becoming unbearable and I finally went to the hospital, the emergency room. My very first visit to the E.R. I was having extreme pain and couldn't bear it. I was also sick as hell which was usual since I had only weighed 70-something pounds by this time. I started hyperventilating and just got out of the shower and my hands and legs and face all kind of went paralyzed and crinkled up. I was able to dial my brother in law and then my hands were stuck in a weird closed up position and my lip done a weird thing and wouldn't move and my eyes twitched uncontrollably. Anyways, all those symptoms scared me bad enough to go to the hospital.
At this time my twin lived a good while away and we hadn't been able to get in touch for months. We went to the E.R. and by the time 3AM rolled around she called my cell phone and asked where's dad. I told her he was with me & when he hung up he told me she had been sent to the E.R. Not long after that a nurse came in, told me I was severely dehydrated, looked anorexic and "we will be looking in to this young lady!" and had laryngitis and bronchitis and had somehow developed asthma! The she said "Is it possible that you're twin is experiencing a case of feeling your pain?" I had no clue what she meant until she told me my twin was in the same hospital complaining of stroke like symptoms! I didn't believe her until she took me to her!
There my twin was lying in a bed hooked up to an EKG machine. The nurse said there wasn't a trace of anything. Nothing was wrong! She told us that my twin's stroke like symptoms appeared to be more like a serious panic over my pain. She hadn't known about my pain or trip to the E.R. We were both released, but until this year, I went through some suffering with the endo. and stuff.
I didn't find out I even had endo. until this year, but had awful symptoms and a lot of doctor visits. My poor sister! All these past several years of pain have been painful for her as well. She would wake up in the middle of the night and call asking if my stomach was upset again. She soon developed some of my anxiety and began having panic attacks. Every time she had those pains and upsets I had been sick. I would have episodes where the pain and disgusting symptoms would go 5 hours every time. Her's were lighter, but I've seen her suffer them.
It wasn't until I had my surgery this past year, started taking my meds for anxiety and pain that both of our problems subsided!
At first the BF thought our Twincidents were only that, incidents or coincidents. It didn't take him long to be shocked. The other day I had a tiny episode where I had the debilitating cramps where I couldn't move or even breathe. The pain gets so intense and endometriosis can cause the pain to shoot into your crotch and rear end! It feels like the bones in your crotch are moving. Some doctors call these pains contractions since they're very similar. To be honest, the pain is similar to the pain while having a miscarriage, if you're several months along. In fact, when I had my first miscarriage I thought it was only the endo. pain.
It usually passes quickly though and I'm kind of used to it, but the other night I had severe pain and after it went away, a dull pain lingered all night which is unusual. Yesterday while my twin and my BF and mother were all together she asked me if I had been sick. I said how many days ago? I told my BF to listen closely. She said 2. I said yes I had some problems did you? Yep. She said her a** as she would call it was killing her and her stomach felt like it was ripping apart. I looked at the BF & said "do you remember what happened to me 2 nights ago? What was I doing?" He answered & told her how I was doubled over in the kitchen with those cramps.
It's not always serious, but it happens. Last week I had pain in my left wrist, in the bones. I don't know why, but it strangely happens sometimes and I called and asked her if she'd had any pain. She told me she'd hurt her arm. Left one! So sometimes it really is more of a nuisance than fun. In fact I would never call if fun, but it can be very helpful.
Another one of our Twincidents happened when my twin was pregnant almost 2 years ago, she always told me I had better get to the hospital early to see the baby being born because I'd end up with her labor pains. I thought it couldn't happen like that for some reason and our older sister even laughed at her for mentioning it all the time. Well, last November she was in to have the baby & it was cold and dark and we were on our way to the hospital when I got my intense cramps that are similar to contractions for those with endo. Like I said, it usually passes quickly, but it's painful. I double over or clench my bed post or whatever's in my reach until it passes. Well, here we are on the way to the hospital, drinking coffee late at night, excited as hell and it's raining. We pulled over and waited for it to pass. It got much better & we were on our way. When we pulled in the parking lot I couldn't make it out of the car! I was in so much pain I thought I'd have to be admitted myself. It passed, we ran in to see my sister in the hospital.
She was fine. No pain. Nothing. I was fine until we'd been sitting with her for about an hour and on it came. She said "Oh my God you're feeling my contractions!" I wasn't amused at all and she insisted that was it as it kept happening every so often. Still I wasn't going to miss my Buggy being born. Our older sister thought it was hilarious, but I went through that damn pain until 2 AM! But poor thing, she did too. The baby had gotten turned the wrong way and she endured hours of excruciating pain before they finally decided to do a Cesarean when the baby's heart beat started dropping. She screamed, cussed and yelled for hours! Thankfully, it wasn't that bad for me.
Some people think it's crazy and that's OK. We don't mind and we don't usually talk about it to people except our family and each other, but twins do share a very unique bond I guess you could say. And not only with pain, but there are important things twins just know. Like finishing each other's sentences, but that can happen with a couple who's been together for years too.
I think twins have a special... gift. You know things without them being spoken. You know when something's wrong with the other and you have senses that aren't there with other family members. My twin and I have the same dream, nightmare. For months now we've dreamed of us being in a car crash. Sometimes it's different, but it's always this strange, horrible feeling that you can't shake. It's nothing like any nightmare I've ever had. Every so often when those dreams happen, hers will come around the same time. In every one it's a car accident. One I had was of us both in her red car dangling off the side of the mountain we live on and she was slipping out the window. It still gives me the creeps. And most of them, she's alone. The last one her car was blown up with her inside of it and I kept yelling, like in every nightmare "I cannot be alive with out her." I know it sounds downright psychotic, but I don't have an answer for it.
Anyways, she has similar dreams only it's of me and they're a bit different. She did have the dream of me driving off our mountain the same month I dreamt it. It shakes me up so badly I don't even know how to explain it.
Enough of that, I hope it's been interesting or at least helpful or even just a good read. I would however really love more than anything to hear from other twins or from you all who know of any twincidents. It's hard to find info on the subject and even understand it sometimes and I've searched for answers or other people's stories for years. I would love to hear anything you may know. Anything you wonder about or find interesting or have heard about twins. I don't know many other twins and certainly don't know anyone who can begin to relate with us, but Kelly and I are dying to hear from other people. I've looked for info in books and haven't found anything.
OK this is something that can be taken into deep detail and facts, etc. I don't care to go there. My answer is simply, yes sometimes twins do feel the other's pain! It's true for us and it's true for many twins.
When my twin and I were about 10 years old, one of our cousins who we didn't spend much time with outside of family gatherings and waiting for the bus, used to test us every single day we waited for the bus. He would punch me or my sister in the arm and when the other didn't say "ouch!" He'd make us. Lol. Sometimes I would get the punch and he'd make her say "Ouch!" and some days I was lucky, she'd get the punch and all I had to do was say ouch. Funny, but not logical. Twins don't feel everything the other feels, but they do feel and have very particular connections with each other that no other person can have or sometimes easily understand.
We've had our Twincidents forever and it's totally normal to us, but people around us will hear us talking and often flip out,.I'll let you in on a few incidents we've had.
Several years ago when my problems from endomteriosis and the yucky issues I've had since 13 just started becoming unbearable and I finally went to the hospital, the emergency room. My very first visit to the E.R. I was having extreme pain and couldn't bear it. I was also sick as hell which was usual since I had only weighed 70-something pounds by this time. I started hyperventilating and just got out of the shower and my hands and legs and face all kind of went paralyzed and crinkled up. I was able to dial my brother in law and then my hands were stuck in a weird closed up position and my lip done a weird thing and wouldn't move and my eyes twitched uncontrollably. Anyways, all those symptoms scared me bad enough to go to the hospital.
At this time my twin lived a good while away and we hadn't been able to get in touch for months. We went to the E.R. and by the time 3AM rolled around she called my cell phone and asked where's dad. I told her he was with me & when he hung up he told me she had been sent to the E.R. Not long after that a nurse came in, told me I was severely dehydrated, looked anorexic and "we will be looking in to this young lady!" and had laryngitis and bronchitis and had somehow developed asthma! The she said "Is it possible that you're twin is experiencing a case of feeling your pain?" I had no clue what she meant until she told me my twin was in the same hospital complaining of stroke like symptoms! I didn't believe her until she took me to her!
There my twin was lying in a bed hooked up to an EKG machine. The nurse said there wasn't a trace of anything. Nothing was wrong! She told us that my twin's stroke like symptoms appeared to be more like a serious panic over my pain. She hadn't known about my pain or trip to the E.R. We were both released, but until this year, I went through some suffering with the endo. and stuff.
I didn't find out I even had endo. until this year, but had awful symptoms and a lot of doctor visits. My poor sister! All these past several years of pain have been painful for her as well. She would wake up in the middle of the night and call asking if my stomach was upset again. She soon developed some of my anxiety and began having panic attacks. Every time she had those pains and upsets I had been sick. I would have episodes where the pain and disgusting symptoms would go 5 hours every time. Her's were lighter, but I've seen her suffer them.
It wasn't until I had my surgery this past year, started taking my meds for anxiety and pain that both of our problems subsided!
At first the BF thought our Twincidents were only that, incidents or coincidents. It didn't take him long to be shocked. The other day I had a tiny episode where I had the debilitating cramps where I couldn't move or even breathe. The pain gets so intense and endometriosis can cause the pain to shoot into your crotch and rear end! It feels like the bones in your crotch are moving. Some doctors call these pains contractions since they're very similar. To be honest, the pain is similar to the pain while having a miscarriage, if you're several months along. In fact, when I had my first miscarriage I thought it was only the endo. pain.
It usually passes quickly though and I'm kind of used to it, but the other night I had severe pain and after it went away, a dull pain lingered all night which is unusual. Yesterday while my twin and my BF and mother were all together she asked me if I had been sick. I said how many days ago? I told my BF to listen closely. She said 2. I said yes I had some problems did you? Yep. She said her a** as she would call it was killing her and her stomach felt like it was ripping apart. I looked at the BF & said "do you remember what happened to me 2 nights ago? What was I doing?" He answered & told her how I was doubled over in the kitchen with those cramps.
It's not always serious, but it happens. Last week I had pain in my left wrist, in the bones. I don't know why, but it strangely happens sometimes and I called and asked her if she'd had any pain. She told me she'd hurt her arm. Left one! So sometimes it really is more of a nuisance than fun. In fact I would never call if fun, but it can be very helpful.
Another one of our Twincidents happened when my twin was pregnant almost 2 years ago, she always told me I had better get to the hospital early to see the baby being born because I'd end up with her labor pains. I thought it couldn't happen like that for some reason and our older sister even laughed at her for mentioning it all the time. Well, last November she was in to have the baby & it was cold and dark and we were on our way to the hospital when I got my intense cramps that are similar to contractions for those with endo. Like I said, it usually passes quickly, but it's painful. I double over or clench my bed post or whatever's in my reach until it passes. Well, here we are on the way to the hospital, drinking coffee late at night, excited as hell and it's raining. We pulled over and waited for it to pass. It got much better & we were on our way. When we pulled in the parking lot I couldn't make it out of the car! I was in so much pain I thought I'd have to be admitted myself. It passed, we ran in to see my sister in the hospital.
She was fine. No pain. Nothing. I was fine until we'd been sitting with her for about an hour and on it came. She said "Oh my God you're feeling my contractions!" I wasn't amused at all and she insisted that was it as it kept happening every so often. Still I wasn't going to miss my Buggy being born. Our older sister thought it was hilarious, but I went through that damn pain until 2 AM! But poor thing, she did too. The baby had gotten turned the wrong way and she endured hours of excruciating pain before they finally decided to do a Cesarean when the baby's heart beat started dropping. She screamed, cussed and yelled for hours! Thankfully, it wasn't that bad for me.
Some people think it's crazy and that's OK. We don't mind and we don't usually talk about it to people except our family and each other, but twins do share a very unique bond I guess you could say. And not only with pain, but there are important things twins just know. Like finishing each other's sentences, but that can happen with a couple who's been together for years too.
I think twins have a special... gift. You know things without them being spoken. You know when something's wrong with the other and you have senses that aren't there with other family members. My twin and I have the same dream, nightmare. For months now we've dreamed of us being in a car crash. Sometimes it's different, but it's always this strange, horrible feeling that you can't shake. It's nothing like any nightmare I've ever had. Every so often when those dreams happen, hers will come around the same time. In every one it's a car accident. One I had was of us both in her red car dangling off the side of the mountain we live on and she was slipping out the window. It still gives me the creeps. And most of them, she's alone. The last one her car was blown up with her inside of it and I kept yelling, like in every nightmare "I cannot be alive with out her." I know it sounds downright psychotic, but I don't have an answer for it.
Anyways, she has similar dreams only it's of me and they're a bit different. She did have the dream of me driving off our mountain the same month I dreamt it. It shakes me up so badly I don't even know how to explain it.
Enough of that, I hope it's been interesting or at least helpful or even just a good read. I would however really love more than anything to hear from other twins or from you all who know of any twincidents. It's hard to find info on the subject and even understand it sometimes and I've searched for answers or other people's stories for years. I would love to hear anything you may know. Anything you wonder about or find interesting or have heard about twins. I don't know many other twins and certainly don't know anyone who can begin to relate with us, but Kelly and I are dying to hear from other people. I've looked for info in books and haven't found anything.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Finding the closure I've needed to get past rape
I have recently started speaking up about what I usually call "my experience" some of you know what I'm talking about. The past couple of years I've started dealing with the whole thing & trying to get past it. I've done so many things to try and get closure, but after 4 years I still didn't have it. It helped to finally start speaking about it. I still wasn't where I needed to be. I ended up writing a little about it here & although it was scary to publicly admit it, it helped. I still didn't have that last bit of closure I needed to move on. I was stuck in that little area of falling back into the fear and self loathing and moving on. I just couldn't make it.
I honestly, began to think that this was the only closure I would have and the rest was just meant to be there to kind of randomly torture me. That's what I thought for the past year. I thought I just needed to accept that every once in a while, I would be tormented. I was so wrong!
A lovely and very strong woman Named Jessica Brant contacted me & helped me to have the courage to take a big step and tell my story... publicly on her site. It was so empowering, but in the beginning I was scared. The fear and paranoia was getting to me a little again, but I KNEW it was something I needed to do and I knew it would help. What I didn't know, is that I would actually be moving further and finally getting real closure.
When the lovely Jessica Brant who has dedicated her own site to helping people find their way, put the story of my rape "Living This Side Of Hell" up on her site. Jessica's site is called Finding One's Way I was scared to even look at the comments that were left.
My boyfriend of 4 years has been extremely supportive and was the person who got me to confront the experience. After the rape, I never EVER used the word rape. I would not think about it and would not deal with it. I pretended it didn't happen, but was still terrified for my life. At that point, the only person who knew besides police, were the rapist, the girl who watched it, and my best girlfriend. I ended up telling my boyfriend and things were bad, I mean bad when I first started dealing with it. I honestly hated myself. I hated to look at my stomach because it was where he bit me. I hated my chest because he left a scar from biting me. I wanted to change how I looked completely all because of that. I guess I thought if I didn't look like the girl who was raped, I wouldn't be that girl? I also wanted to change my looks because I didn't want him to ever recognize me if he came looking for me. So, I changed everything.
My point of this post is to tell what Jessica Brant and the amazingly supportive people who read my story have done for me.
I read the comments and expected to see things like "You deserved it." Or "Girls who get raped, must have asked for it." because that's what I've always been told. Even some of my closest friends told me that.
The people at Jessica's Site didn't blame or judge me. I cried when I read their comments. I was so happy and I couldn't believe how much power was in those comments. I have never in these few years not felt fearful at the thought of my rapist. When I read the comments, I felt empowered and I honestly feel that if I do see him out somewhere, I won't even flinch. I don't know how those comments touched my heart so much & I don't know how they were able to give me real closure, but they did. I have taken another step to not pushing it back in my head, but truly not being tormented by it any longer. I don't feel yucky about myself anymore and the people who were nice enough to support me & give nice words are to thank for that.
I guess I just needed to have a little bit of support from others. I mean, the BF has been more supportive than imaginable, but I thought it's because he had to. I thought it wasn't possible for others to think anything good of me and they did. They said I was strong and brave! I think I might just be.
I just cannot believe what those people have done for me. I can't believe how it made such an impact and gave me the hope and courage I need to fight. I will not let myself be tormented anymore by it. I REALLY won't. I guess until now, I kind of thought I deserved to have torment.
I will be forever grateful to these people and my BF and God of course. Every time I see him out, their words will be in my heart. I will remember them forever. Everytime I start to feel scared, those words are what I'll remember and I honestly think that the fear is over now. I don't think it's there anymore.
So, words are EXTREMELY powerful. Even I didn't know just how powerful they were.
I believe the courage, hope, etc. that I was lacking is gone. I never knew how much words could change a person, but I am benefiting so much from the words of:
Kriti Mukherjee at: http://kriti-howaboutthis.blogspot.com/
Rhyme Me A Smile at: http://www.blogger.com/goog_222468968
http://www.jidhu.blogspot.com/
Mari at: http://www.blogger.com/goog_222468962
Lisa at: http://howdoigetwhiterteeth.blogspot.com/
Tj Lubrano at: http://tjlubrano.blogspot.com/
Charlie Nitric at: http://charlienitric.wordpress.com/
Louise at: http://poeticdelusions.wordpress.com/
Kelly Lewis
Swati Bhattacharya
http://irfanurs.blogspot.com/
Corrine at: http://www.everydaygyaan.blogspot.com/
Stuart Nager at: http://www.bornstoryteller.com/
Alpana Jaiswal at: http://www.motifsonthewall.blogspot.com/
These are only SOME of the people who have been so amazing. I was unable to post them all at the moment because the findingonesway site keeps giving me an error message. I WILL add the rest of the names & blogs when I'm able to access the site again.
I honestly, began to think that this was the only closure I would have and the rest was just meant to be there to kind of randomly torture me. That's what I thought for the past year. I thought I just needed to accept that every once in a while, I would be tormented. I was so wrong!
A lovely and very strong woman Named Jessica Brant contacted me & helped me to have the courage to take a big step and tell my story... publicly on her site. It was so empowering, but in the beginning I was scared. The fear and paranoia was getting to me a little again, but I KNEW it was something I needed to do and I knew it would help. What I didn't know, is that I would actually be moving further and finally getting real closure.
When the lovely Jessica Brant who has dedicated her own site to helping people find their way, put the story of my rape "Living This Side Of Hell" up on her site. Jessica's site is called Finding One's Way I was scared to even look at the comments that were left.
My boyfriend of 4 years has been extremely supportive and was the person who got me to confront the experience. After the rape, I never EVER used the word rape. I would not think about it and would not deal with it. I pretended it didn't happen, but was still terrified for my life. At that point, the only person who knew besides police, were the rapist, the girl who watched it, and my best girlfriend. I ended up telling my boyfriend and things were bad, I mean bad when I first started dealing with it. I honestly hated myself. I hated to look at my stomach because it was where he bit me. I hated my chest because he left a scar from biting me. I wanted to change how I looked completely all because of that. I guess I thought if I didn't look like the girl who was raped, I wouldn't be that girl? I also wanted to change my looks because I didn't want him to ever recognize me if he came looking for me. So, I changed everything.
My point of this post is to tell what Jessica Brant and the amazingly supportive people who read my story have done for me.
I read the comments and expected to see things like "You deserved it." Or "Girls who get raped, must have asked for it." because that's what I've always been told. Even some of my closest friends told me that.
The people at Jessica's Site didn't blame or judge me. I cried when I read their comments. I was so happy and I couldn't believe how much power was in those comments. I have never in these few years not felt fearful at the thought of my rapist. When I read the comments, I felt empowered and I honestly feel that if I do see him out somewhere, I won't even flinch. I don't know how those comments touched my heart so much & I don't know how they were able to give me real closure, but they did. I have taken another step to not pushing it back in my head, but truly not being tormented by it any longer. I don't feel yucky about myself anymore and the people who were nice enough to support me & give nice words are to thank for that.
I guess I just needed to have a little bit of support from others. I mean, the BF has been more supportive than imaginable, but I thought it's because he had to. I thought it wasn't possible for others to think anything good of me and they did. They said I was strong and brave! I think I might just be.
I just cannot believe what those people have done for me. I can't believe how it made such an impact and gave me the hope and courage I need to fight. I will not let myself be tormented anymore by it. I REALLY won't. I guess until now, I kind of thought I deserved to have torment.
I will be forever grateful to these people and my BF and God of course. Every time I see him out, their words will be in my heart. I will remember them forever. Everytime I start to feel scared, those words are what I'll remember and I honestly think that the fear is over now. I don't think it's there anymore.
So, words are EXTREMELY powerful. Even I didn't know just how powerful they were.
I believe the courage, hope, etc. that I was lacking is gone. I never knew how much words could change a person, but I am benefiting so much from the words of:
Kriti Mukherjee at: http://kriti-howaboutthis.blogspot.com/
Rhyme Me A Smile at: http://www.blogger.com/goog_222468968
http://www.jidhu.blogspot.com/
Mari at: http://www.blogger.com/goog_222468962
Lisa at: http://howdoigetwhiterteeth.blogspot.com/
Tj Lubrano at: http://tjlubrano.blogspot.com/
Charlie Nitric at: http://charlienitric.wordpress.com/
Louise at: http://poeticdelusions.wordpress.com/
Kelly Lewis
Swati Bhattacharya
http://irfanurs.blogspot.com/
Corrine at: http://www.everydaygyaan.blogspot.com/
Stuart Nager at: http://www.bornstoryteller.com/
Alpana Jaiswal at: http://www.motifsonthewall.blogspot.com/
These are only SOME of the people who have been so amazing. I was unable to post them all at the moment because the findingonesway site keeps giving me an error message. I WILL add the rest of the names & blogs when I'm able to access the site again.
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