You're not entitled to stick anything in anyone's rear but your own!

My leetle lovelies, it has been a while since I've updated you with one of my crazy incidents. Of course I had the dental mess going on and still have to finish my root canal next month, but I'm out of pain finally! However, I really couldn't resist telling about my oh so lovely GYN visit today! This isn't exactly disgusting so don't worry.

 My birthday is the 26th of this month and those darn yearly exams for women are awful. They have me a crazy mess for the day before I go in, the day of and sometimes a day later! They just bring up some nasty feelings from my past for some reason. I just feel violated! What I'm saying though, is whatever, I can get through that. While I have had some horrible exam experiences with different GYN's, my new lady is awesome, but she did make me have a nervous breakdown today. 

I went in dreading it and already feeling a little bad, you know, past experiences! Traumatic! Before I go on though, am I the only one who has those "feelings" come up when it comes time for pap smears and pelvic exams? I've about drove myself crazy thinking that, well, that I'm crazy because of my linking being raped to pelvic exams. So I want to ask, am I the only girl who gets this? If not, maybe I'm not so weird.

 So, those feelings were there and that really puts me on edge for a couple of days. I dread it every year, but just about every time, the pelvic exam goes OK and I don't feel like my Dr. actually violated me, but the feelings from being raped come up and I turn crazy. I even reserve that day every year for sleeping until the school bus runs. I get the exam, cancel anything, school, work, whatever and I sleep for a few hours and then I'm usually half way normal. 

OK, I'm going to have to talk about more than I expected here. So my yearly visits have never consisted of rectal exams or even an HIV test! I've had to go elsewhere for that, but the nurses would tell patients they did test for HIV when they did not! Hence the reason, the staff is all new now! So I was surprised when my new lady mentioned the HIV tests and I told her that at least 80% of people my age since high school have never been tested, but think they have. She said she planned to change that and offer the test every visit. That's great and I did want to get tested again just to be sure. No, it was not positive! I'm good! 

So I got my second dose of the HPV vaccine which brings me to another real problem. The GYN I was seeing the first time gave me my first HPV vaccine dose, but the second GYN that I was seeing for a few years never would give it to me! Today she also made sure I got that nice stab in the arm along with my usual injection for endometriosis help. There are some real flaws in these systems!

Then it was time for the exam which again brings me to ANOTHER real big problem. A few years ago my GYN found lumps in my breast and they stayed very sore, but the lumps would come and go. She wanted me to come back in every month to have them checked. Come to find out, I had never actually been FULLY tested for the breast exam! I spent months terrified a few years back when the GYN mentioned my lumps. I even cried one night! Then suddenly she never mentioned my lumps or told me a single thing about them and never tested me again after those few months of feeling them passed. Hmmm..

Today my new GYN asked me was I given the full exam which included feeling with your hands of the tissue, standing and doing all kinds of movements to check them as well as feeling the lymph nodes in my thighs, neck and underarms. Nope. The only exam I was ever given (for the past 8 damn years!) was when they GYN would feel my breasts with her hands. That's total shit if you ask me! Breast cancer can happen so young these days and I'm highly pissed that all of us in my area were not being properly tested. 

Well the good news is my new, good GYN said that I'm safe. The lumps are only fibro.. something cysts. Fibrostic cysts, I think she said? 

Then on to the pap exam. I spent an hour and a half naked while she could not find my cervix! I have a tilted cervix and she couldn't find it. She asked me if I had had a hysterectomy.

 I said "Nope. It's in there somewhere! I've seen it before!" I took pictures is how I've seen it. Before I gross you out though, I'll stop. The exam was awful because she couldn't find my cervix and had to bring in the injection-administering lady. It actually turned out to be sort of funny and we were all able to laugh so that helped tremendously. Then the horror!

She said "We've started including rectal exams with the full annual exam." 
I turned my head because the tears and nervous breakdown had begun. I was about to put my clothes on and walk out. 

She said "What is wrong? Is something wrong? Oh my goodness! You were traumatized weren't you?"

I could not hold in my breakdown any longer. I was not anally traumatized... sort of. But I did mention why I had such issues with pap exams a minute ago. I can get past that though because I do work hard to keep informed myself with how things should work and with my own body. I work very hard on my health and even check my own darn cervix! (A camera, my partner and a speculum, in-case you're wondering how the hell that's possible). OK, cervical cancer and HPV is so common even at my age (21) and there's no way I'm going to avoid something so crucial that can be stopped if caught early. Having a professional check is great, but I educate myself extensively to know exactly everything. They're not always careful and many times are careless about your health, I've experienced it so I want to do my own part. 

OK, smash my chest. Jab, swab and have your face 3 inches away from my cooter in search of my little cervix, but hell no, you will not ever put anything in my booty! No. No.  So she did catch on that I was super nervous in general, but when she mentioned rectal exam, my rectal was outta there! She immediately started apologizing and didn't stop until I left. Poor thing. I told her that I was just upset before coming in since I tend to get emotional over those feelings that come up from the past. I didn't have to say no to her, she knew I couldn't go through it. Yes, exams are uncomfortable for all of us, but there's a difference in being uncomfortable and having yucky feelings brought up for a couple days and being totally traumatized all over again. I have no idea why the rectal thing bothers me more than the pap smear when I was violated in the cooter, not the rectum! Lol. 

So she told me she'd never mention it again. She said she would write "refused" on my charts and move on. Thank you, Jesus. 

See, a few years back, when I first started getting very ill and after being hospitalized for the very first time, I was referred to this total freak physician or something. I'm not for name calling, but y'all, this woman totally freaked me out! I was only a teen. Almost 16 years old and I went to this weird physician or whatever she was since the hospital referred me. She did ultra sounds and a pelvic exam and lots of asthma treatments and then acted very suspicious. She touched my booty without telling me and I flung myself off that darn table and said "WHAT do you think you are doing?!" I've never been so freaked. She kept chasing me with her hand as I backed away from her. This is for real too! She said "I'm just gonna put my finger right on your butt." I said "and then what?" I knew exactly what the damn creep was gonna do, but what was wrong was that she wasn't going to tell me about it? What kind of crap is that? So I refused and she told me I was not leaving her office until she did, that she would not let me leave! This was not a hospital, but some freaking office. Surely she had no right. Anyways, that left me really upset and still I can't stand the thought of it. I mean it tears me up! That could be one thing, but I'm not into anal. Thankfully, I felt better today when my new GYN said "Like my husband says, that's an exit only!" Ha. Ha. So it was nice to have her agree with my discomfort about it. 

Now that I'm older and smarter, I should've really pushed getting something done about that doctor doing that. Maybe I'm crazy, but it feels like I was almost molested. :( Oh, well as long as nobody every goes near my behind, I'm happy. I'll suffer through a pelvic exam, but she said I was not at high risk at all for a rectal exam and I would be perfectly fine. 

So, before I go on, do any of you feel like this? Men, I know some of you guys can relate! My grandmother was telling me a story about when my grandfather was still alive and the Dr. tried giving him a rectal exam and he totally flipped on them! Sounded just like what I went through. Lol. He's not with us anymore, but no, it is not because he refused a rectal exam! 

Also, I'd like to hear from other rape survivors on this. Does anybody else in the world have freak-outs over these exams? I'm afraid I'm alone in this one! :)

Now, I hate to continue this already long read, but there's one more thing about my visit today that I cannot leave out. Believe me, you're lucky because I did leave out a lot! Ha Ha. I left out the part where I crammed my purse full of supplies as I was getting dressed! Hee Hee Hee! I'm telling you, a box of rubber gloves come in handy! Ha. Ha.


I'll make it short, promise. . .
While I was in the waiting room/lobby, I saw a stack dirty mags! Not actual porn, but this popular magazine is bad enough that even Walmart had to pull it from the shelves! So I'm in the GYN office which is also an office with a pediatrician or something like that so there's the nasty mags on the table and in front of them, a play section for kids! Are you freaking kidding me? I flipped through, curious to see if they would actually have that kind of material.

Sure enough! Pages and pages littered and trashed with degrading, disgusting and plain out trashy photos! I ripped the first out, crammed it in my pocket to throw away. Flipped the page, more! I ripped and ripped until I was afraid I couldn't hold another piece of magazine paper in my pockets. 

Then  I remember my ol' trusty sharpie! I pulled that baby out and scribbled every last image out. Total black! No way you could see the trash through my scribbles. By this time I was light headed from 4 total minutes of sleep and the fumes! I flipped through all the mags to be sure nothing was left for some poor kid to stumble across or someone else who wouldn't like being forced to see it.

So, I accomplished getting rid of that trash, but I thought 'hmm... shouldn't these people know what's in these magazines so they don't put them out anymore?' And the activist or bitch or both came out in me and I found my little address book/calendar in my purse and ripped out a page. After writing "INAPPROPRIATE MATERIAL!!" in huge, thick black letters, I carefully sat it on top of the magazines. :) My work there was done. My good deed, done! It felt so good! 

Knowing the people who run the place, they won't be putting out the magazine again, but  I couldn't sit back and not do something. Thanks to the wonderful American Decency, I had the courage to do that. I might get fired up about someone trying to put something in my rear and then I cuss, but I'm a good girl!

You might think that what I did isn't enough to make a difference, but it is. This convenient station in my area was selling porn, real porn and it was right at the checkout! I wrote the owner a letter explaining how degrading, harmful and bad it was and that I wouldn't shop somewhere that I was forced to see that mess. I asked kindly that they put it away or in the back and guess what? I stopped in there 3 months ago for the first time and there hasn't been a single magazine or video that could resemble porn! :) My SO & I have actually become kind of buddies with the owner now and we have a great time laughing when we go in.

How awesome is that? And just in-case you're the kind of person who's wanted badly to stand up against something, but was afraid... You won't regret it when you finally do, I promise! You truly can change things and there's no reward like it when you do. All it takes many times is a simple letter. Sign anonymously if you're uncomfortable, but never stand by and keep quiet!

Well, I'm officially done with my huge mixture of stories. I hope you are encouraged either to refuse anything be put in your rectum or to stand up for something you believe in. Either way, I'll love ya!

Much love and remember, I would love to hear from you, especially if you feel the need to tell me that I'm not the only freak with weird feelings towards something like a darn rectal or pap exam! :)

-Kendra

Men in women's dressing rooms.

A while back, where I do some part-time work, we had a little meeting and some people were discussing the whole men being allowed in female dressing rooms and possibly restrooms. When I stated my opinion on the matter (I'm opposed to it in case you're wondering and I will say why.) things got WAY out of hand. Turns out, I was the only person who saw the idea of being dangerous and I was completely attacked over it! My job was also threatened for me stating my opinion! Honestly though, I wasn't hateful about it at all. 

 Anyways, after reading about Macy's firing an employee because she refused to let a man go in the ladies dressing room (he said he was really a woman) - in the American Decency newsletter, I couldn't keep quiet anymore.

  I understand this heated discussion was at our work place so I can see it being something the employers don't like. What I can't understand is why I was the only one threatened and completely shi* on. I mean, the things co-workers and those above me said to me after I stated my opinion was far worse than my opinion itself! That's beside the point...

  For a while now, I've almost blogged about this, but I tried forever to let it "blow over." Now I'm not talking about the stupid work discussion. I'm talking about the issue in general and the company I work for might not like to hear my opinions if they differ from theirs, but this is my blog. I'm free to go ahead and say how I feel and the main reason I'm doing so is because I think if someone happens across this, it might open their eyes or maybe someone who feels the same as me will see this and feel encouraged, maybe even speak out themselves! Now is a great time to go ahead and say: if you are opposed to Macy's "policy" of allowing males into female dressing rooms you can send them a letter here:

  I'll explain a little before I go on my rant. The above link is where you can go to send Macy's a letter asking them to change that policy. You don't have to type your own words as the wonderful American Decency.org has one "pre-written." You can simply put your name and email and hit send or you can fill in your own personalized letter like I did. To read more about the topic before sending a letter you can do so here:

  American Deceny has truly been a life saver for me. They're where I often get my resources when I want to take action and I can't even begin to say how much I've learned and accomplished with those guys. They're simply amazing! While I might not agree with every single thing they do (that would be rare though!) they're a wonderful organization to sign up with, get newsletters, etc. Anyways, back to topic...

   First I want to go ahead and say that I have absolutely no "beef" with gays or transgenders or any person in the world. If you know me at all, you've probably gathered that I'm a lover! I love people of all kind. I'm not against gay people. I have gay family members and I accept them just like the straight ones! I don't have issues with transgender people either. Just because we might not live the same kind of life or have the same preferences does not mean I am opposed to them. I love all kinds of people! Ok, that's out of the way...

  My problem with this whole Macy's allowing men in the women's dressing room is simple enough if you take the time to listen. 

 Number 1: If Macy's decides to let men in the women's dressing room, more companies will follow in their stupid foot steps and my biggest problem is what's next? If men are allowed in our dressing rooms is it only a matter of time before they're allowed in our restrooms? BUT me saying I don't like this makes me sexist, against LGBT and horrible. When I say I don't like that policy because of the risks and privacy violation, I MUST be against them, right? Wrong! OK? In this case, Macy's is putting their LGBT customers above all else, as if they're better customers? This is not equal treatment. What about our privacy, our rights? 

 Number 2: My problem is not Macy's really. It's that this could turn into a policy that our everyday grocery store develops and it's stepping on the rights of women and children and men who aren't comfortable.

 Number 3: If a man can claim to be a transgender, he's allowed in. That simple? Wait! So my little girl could be using the dressing room and any man could claim to be transgender and go do as he pleases?!  Also, what about me? I'm not the kind of woman that will be naked in front of strangers. It's a violation of my privacy if all it takes is a man saying "Oh, didn't you know? I'm transgender." and bam! 

 Number 4: Are we really going to pretend rapists, molestors and other sick, sorry as hell predators AREN'T going to use this as an excuse? One of the people in the discussion at work said to me "are you stupid? Do you REALLY think rapists are going to go through the trouble of that?" Ha! Yes, yes I do. You know why? Because guys, I was raped. I know firsthand what a predator will do to get what he wants and if the sorry piece of crap would go so far as to put drugs in a woman's drink, don't you think he'd go so far as to pretend he's trans just to get his victim? Yes. It's true and it's real. I'm not saying this is bound to happen, but doesn't it raise the risks? Doesn't it concern you or worry you? 

  Or how about the guy who sees a female going in the dressing room and just wants to "sneak one little peek." Do we really think somebody in this world won't use that? I'm sorry, but I feel very strongly about this and being someone who's been through crappy things in my life, I tend to get fired up any time I feel women's privacy is being violated or pushed to the side like we don't matter. I don't know many women who'd be comfortable changing in a dressing room with men in there. Think about those gaping holes in the doors and in a lot of dressing rooms, only a shower curtain! WTF? No, Macy's, I will NOT be trying on any clothing at your store! As a matter of fact, I won't even step foot in a Macy's store. Maybe when men and women, children AND trans people are given equal rights, then I would consider it. As far as I'm concerned Macy's is unethical and I don't think I could even get over the stupididty enough to ever go to a Macy's again. Yes, that's strong, but I do have my reasons for such strong concern.

  That basically sums up my problem with the policy. Also, how crappy of Macy's to fire the poor girl! Again, that's not what I'm directing my anger at.