You're not entitled to stick anything in anyone's rear but your own!

My leetle lovelies, it has been a while since I've updated you with one of my crazy incidents. Of course I had the dental mess going on and still have to finish my root canal next month, but I'm out of pain finally! However, I really couldn't resist telling about my oh so lovely GYN visit today! This isn't exactly disgusting so don't worry.

 My birthday is the 26th of this month and those darn yearly exams for women are awful. They have me a crazy mess for the day before I go in, the day of and sometimes a day later! They just bring up some nasty feelings from my past for some reason. I just feel violated! What I'm saying though, is whatever, I can get through that. While I have had some horrible exam experiences with different GYN's, my new lady is awesome, but she did make me have a nervous breakdown today. 

I went in dreading it and already feeling a little bad, you know, past experiences! Traumatic! Before I go on though, am I the only one who has those "feelings" come up when it comes time for pap smears and pelvic exams? I've about drove myself crazy thinking that, well, that I'm crazy because of my linking being raped to pelvic exams. So I want to ask, am I the only girl who gets this? If not, maybe I'm not so weird.

 So, those feelings were there and that really puts me on edge for a couple of days. I dread it every year, but just about every time, the pelvic exam goes OK and I don't feel like my Dr. actually violated me, but the feelings from being raped come up and I turn crazy. I even reserve that day every year for sleeping until the school bus runs. I get the exam, cancel anything, school, work, whatever and I sleep for a few hours and then I'm usually half way normal. 

OK, I'm going to have to talk about more than I expected here. So my yearly visits have never consisted of rectal exams or even an HIV test! I've had to go elsewhere for that, but the nurses would tell patients they did test for HIV when they did not! Hence the reason, the staff is all new now! So I was surprised when my new lady mentioned the HIV tests and I told her that at least 80% of people my age since high school have never been tested, but think they have. She said she planned to change that and offer the test every visit. That's great and I did want to get tested again just to be sure. No, it was not positive! I'm good! 

So I got my second dose of the HPV vaccine which brings me to another real problem. The GYN I was seeing the first time gave me my first HPV vaccine dose, but the second GYN that I was seeing for a few years never would give it to me! Today she also made sure I got that nice stab in the arm along with my usual injection for endometriosis help. There are some real flaws in these systems!

Then it was time for the exam which again brings me to ANOTHER real big problem. A few years ago my GYN found lumps in my breast and they stayed very sore, but the lumps would come and go. She wanted me to come back in every month to have them checked. Come to find out, I had never actually been FULLY tested for the breast exam! I spent months terrified a few years back when the GYN mentioned my lumps. I even cried one night! Then suddenly she never mentioned my lumps or told me a single thing about them and never tested me again after those few months of feeling them passed. Hmmm..

Today my new GYN asked me was I given the full exam which included feeling with your hands of the tissue, standing and doing all kinds of movements to check them as well as feeling the lymph nodes in my thighs, neck and underarms. Nope. The only exam I was ever given (for the past 8 damn years!) was when they GYN would feel my breasts with her hands. That's total shit if you ask me! Breast cancer can happen so young these days and I'm highly pissed that all of us in my area were not being properly tested. 

Well the good news is my new, good GYN said that I'm safe. The lumps are only fibro.. something cysts. Fibrostic cysts, I think she said? 

Then on to the pap exam. I spent an hour and a half naked while she could not find my cervix! I have a tilted cervix and she couldn't find it. She asked me if I had had a hysterectomy.

 I said "Nope. It's in there somewhere! I've seen it before!" I took pictures is how I've seen it. Before I gross you out though, I'll stop. The exam was awful because she couldn't find my cervix and had to bring in the injection-administering lady. It actually turned out to be sort of funny and we were all able to laugh so that helped tremendously. Then the horror!

She said "We've started including rectal exams with the full annual exam." 
I turned my head because the tears and nervous breakdown had begun. I was about to put my clothes on and walk out. 

She said "What is wrong? Is something wrong? Oh my goodness! You were traumatized weren't you?"

I could not hold in my breakdown any longer. I was not anally traumatized... sort of. But I did mention why I had such issues with pap exams a minute ago. I can get past that though because I do work hard to keep informed myself with how things should work and with my own body. I work very hard on my health and even check my own darn cervix! (A camera, my partner and a speculum, in-case you're wondering how the hell that's possible). OK, cervical cancer and HPV is so common even at my age (21) and there's no way I'm going to avoid something so crucial that can be stopped if caught early. Having a professional check is great, but I educate myself extensively to know exactly everything. They're not always careful and many times are careless about your health, I've experienced it so I want to do my own part. 

OK, smash my chest. Jab, swab and have your face 3 inches away from my cooter in search of my little cervix, but hell no, you will not ever put anything in my booty! No. No.  So she did catch on that I was super nervous in general, but when she mentioned rectal exam, my rectal was outta there! She immediately started apologizing and didn't stop until I left. Poor thing. I told her that I was just upset before coming in since I tend to get emotional over those feelings that come up from the past. I didn't have to say no to her, she knew I couldn't go through it. Yes, exams are uncomfortable for all of us, but there's a difference in being uncomfortable and having yucky feelings brought up for a couple days and being totally traumatized all over again. I have no idea why the rectal thing bothers me more than the pap smear when I was violated in the cooter, not the rectum! Lol. 

So she told me she'd never mention it again. She said she would write "refused" on my charts and move on. Thank you, Jesus. 

See, a few years back, when I first started getting very ill and after being hospitalized for the very first time, I was referred to this total freak physician or something. I'm not for name calling, but y'all, this woman totally freaked me out! I was only a teen. Almost 16 years old and I went to this weird physician or whatever she was since the hospital referred me. She did ultra sounds and a pelvic exam and lots of asthma treatments and then acted very suspicious. She touched my booty without telling me and I flung myself off that darn table and said "WHAT do you think you are doing?!" I've never been so freaked. She kept chasing me with her hand as I backed away from her. This is for real too! She said "I'm just gonna put my finger right on your butt." I said "and then what?" I knew exactly what the damn creep was gonna do, but what was wrong was that she wasn't going to tell me about it? What kind of crap is that? So I refused and she told me I was not leaving her office until she did, that she would not let me leave! This was not a hospital, but some freaking office. Surely she had no right. Anyways, that left me really upset and still I can't stand the thought of it. I mean it tears me up! That could be one thing, but I'm not into anal. Thankfully, I felt better today when my new GYN said "Like my husband says, that's an exit only!" Ha. Ha. So it was nice to have her agree with my discomfort about it. 

Now that I'm older and smarter, I should've really pushed getting something done about that doctor doing that. Maybe I'm crazy, but it feels like I was almost molested. :( Oh, well as long as nobody every goes near my behind, I'm happy. I'll suffer through a pelvic exam, but she said I was not at high risk at all for a rectal exam and I would be perfectly fine. 

So, before I go on, do any of you feel like this? Men, I know some of you guys can relate! My grandmother was telling me a story about when my grandfather was still alive and the Dr. tried giving him a rectal exam and he totally flipped on them! Sounded just like what I went through. Lol. He's not with us anymore, but no, it is not because he refused a rectal exam! 

Also, I'd like to hear from other rape survivors on this. Does anybody else in the world have freak-outs over these exams? I'm afraid I'm alone in this one! :)

Now, I hate to continue this already long read, but there's one more thing about my visit today that I cannot leave out. Believe me, you're lucky because I did leave out a lot! Ha Ha. I left out the part where I crammed my purse full of supplies as I was getting dressed! Hee Hee Hee! I'm telling you, a box of rubber gloves come in handy! Ha. Ha.


I'll make it short, promise. . .
While I was in the waiting room/lobby, I saw a stack dirty mags! Not actual porn, but this popular magazine is bad enough that even Walmart had to pull it from the shelves! So I'm in the GYN office which is also an office with a pediatrician or something like that so there's the nasty mags on the table and in front of them, a play section for kids! Are you freaking kidding me? I flipped through, curious to see if they would actually have that kind of material.

Sure enough! Pages and pages littered and trashed with degrading, disgusting and plain out trashy photos! I ripped the first out, crammed it in my pocket to throw away. Flipped the page, more! I ripped and ripped until I was afraid I couldn't hold another piece of magazine paper in my pockets. 

Then  I remember my ol' trusty sharpie! I pulled that baby out and scribbled every last image out. Total black! No way you could see the trash through my scribbles. By this time I was light headed from 4 total minutes of sleep and the fumes! I flipped through all the mags to be sure nothing was left for some poor kid to stumble across or someone else who wouldn't like being forced to see it.

So, I accomplished getting rid of that trash, but I thought 'hmm... shouldn't these people know what's in these magazines so they don't put them out anymore?' And the activist or bitch or both came out in me and I found my little address book/calendar in my purse and ripped out a page. After writing "INAPPROPRIATE MATERIAL!!" in huge, thick black letters, I carefully sat it on top of the magazines. :) My work there was done. My good deed, done! It felt so good! 

Knowing the people who run the place, they won't be putting out the magazine again, but  I couldn't sit back and not do something. Thanks to the wonderful American Decency, I had the courage to do that. I might get fired up about someone trying to put something in my rear and then I cuss, but I'm a good girl!

You might think that what I did isn't enough to make a difference, but it is. This convenient station in my area was selling porn, real porn and it was right at the checkout! I wrote the owner a letter explaining how degrading, harmful and bad it was and that I wouldn't shop somewhere that I was forced to see that mess. I asked kindly that they put it away or in the back and guess what? I stopped in there 3 months ago for the first time and there hasn't been a single magazine or video that could resemble porn! :) My SO & I have actually become kind of buddies with the owner now and we have a great time laughing when we go in.

How awesome is that? And just in-case you're the kind of person who's wanted badly to stand up against something, but was afraid... You won't regret it when you finally do, I promise! You truly can change things and there's no reward like it when you do. All it takes many times is a simple letter. Sign anonymously if you're uncomfortable, but never stand by and keep quiet!

Well, I'm officially done with my huge mixture of stories. I hope you are encouraged either to refuse anything be put in your rectum or to stand up for something you believe in. Either way, I'll love ya!

Much love and remember, I would love to hear from you, especially if you feel the need to tell me that I'm not the only freak with weird feelings towards something like a darn rectal or pap exam! :)

-Kendra