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CAN MEN AND WOMEN BE FRIENDS WHILE ONE IS IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP/MARRIAGE?
-WHAT IS AND IS NOT ACCEPTABLE TO SAY TO SOMEONE WHO IS ALREADY IN A RELATIONSHIP? -
The question everyone asks these days is "can a man and woman remain friends and only friends without one or the other wanting more? What do you guys think? Can they?
Once upon a time, when I was young and felt that my male friends were more important than what they really were, I would've said sure, men and women can be friends and only friends. I knew better.
As most of my precious readers know, I've been in a serious relationship for what will be 5 years this month! (Woo-hoo!)
When we first started seeing each other, I had a lot of male friends. Throughout my entire life I have never had a male friend that did not express some kind of interest in me, even if it was only sexual.
I no longer have male friends. After we started getting serious, my male friends (except for one who had expressed feelings in the past, when I was single but we moved past it and remained friends.) refused to respect me and my relationships. One male friend who I'd went to church with my entire life ended up proposing to me a couple of years ago out of the blue. He never showed much interest in me like that before. He had said I was pretty, but nothing more.
That wasn't the only male church friend I'd grown up with who did this. There was another one who was a great friend until I became serious with my current BF. Then, he started crossing the line little by little. Finally, one day when I was extremely ill and unable to leave the bed, in and out of the hospital, etc. Him and his mother who I think of as my angel for helping me through my hospital times when the only other person who was there was my BF & dad. Anyways, her son who I'd grown up with, close friends, went to church with sent me a text message that asked when I planned on leaving my current partner. He said he was tired of waiting on me and was angry! I didn't even know I had him waiting. We'd never talked about being together.
Of course the BF got the text and flipped, caused a huge fight. I ended the friendship. If he couldn't respect me anymore than that, he was no friend.
Besides that, I'm fine with no male friends. I don't want to be taken afvantage of like I used to be. I don't want to have men forcing themselves on me anymore. It got old, so I ditched them all.
Well, I usually make it clear to most men in my life that I'm in a happy MONOGAMOUS relationship and I don't put up with crossing the line and disrespecting me. It doesn't work.
The other night an old male friend started contacting me, he's got a live-in-girlfriend. Well, he crossed the line. I completely blew him off. He crossed the line again. I made myself clear.
If you have a "crush" on someone who is in a relationship (happy or not) you do not cross that line! If you feel you must express your dying love for them, then maybe do so subtly and suggest that you would like to be more than friends one day should anything happen and this person become available. Then, you leave it at that.
Almost in every situation, the person does not actually plan to leave just because you suddenly come along with an erection for them. They may eventually start giving in and telling you what you want to hear i.e. they aren't happy. But that's usually only because of the pressure being put on the person.
If you want to remain in the person's life, I suggest being their friend should be good enough at least until they are available and decide they want to start a new relationship. Do not EVER pressure a girl into leaving. It'll only make her go the opposite direction.
It's just so tacky and disrespectful to cross that line and nothing is tackier than doing it over and over. If you give her a nice compliment or just have to express your feelings, do it one time and leave it at that. If she decides to initiate anything, then let her do so on her terms only and definitely never engage in anything while she's still in the relationship whether she initiates it or not. Suggest she break it off with the other man first.
Sometimes you're just going to have to settle for friendship or nothing at all, because chances are, if she's in a happy relationship (with struggles or not) you'll end up losing her friendship all together if you continue to cross the line. Is friendship not ever good enough? It's better than being cut out of their life forever right?
Texting or calling someone who's in a relationship (especially when you are too!) more than once or twice a day is crossing the line.
Texting things like "Good morning beautiful" or "Goodnight, dream about me." IS crossing the line.
Texting things like "Send me a dirty pic." is beyond crossing the line and believe me, if the woman is anything like me, you'll regret that shit real quick.
I believe you know when you cross the line. If you have to ask if her "will your boyfriend be mad if I say..." or "Is your boyfriend around?" then it IS crossing the line.
I'm not saying you can't comliment a girl who's not single. Today, my BF and I went to a friend's really nice house and he had a few men that I've been around for years over. When I got out one of the men said "Who's that pretty little thang with you?" and the other said "Kendra, you're hair looks nice today." Which one do you think made me feel good? The hair comment!
When he told me my hair looked nice it made my day! As for the married bastard that said "who's that pretty little thang?" I didn't gain jack crap from that compliment. The hair comment was sweet and meaningful. Not that saying a girl is pretty is wrong, but there's a tasteful way to do it. Now, if it's a dirty comment that involves the word sexy, I think it can come off as rude to say to someone in a relationship.
The reason I posted about this is because of recent happenings. It just makes me so angry that men just don't get it. I don't know why they have to cross that line. I'd really like to keep them as friends, but they make it impossible. There's no way I'm going to text someone who's texted me constantly for 3 days and questioning where I've been & why I was there so late when he has a girlfriend and I have a partner of my own. I mean, if you're unhappy in your relationship, I'm always glad to give help and I did that already, but I'm not willing to give myself. It took everything I had today not to say "Well, maybe your relationship would be interesting and fun if you weren't so busy texting me while your girlfriend sits home waitnig on you to just look in her direction."
So far, the only male friends I have are the ones that are friends with both me and my partner and a couple of them are really amazing people. Just please people, do not keep crossing the line!
When you cross the line once and she doesn't respond, take the hint. Don't make her cuss you out just to get you to stop.
Does any of my lovelies out there agree? Do you think there is a line that should not be crossed, at least no more than twice?
-WHAT IS AND IS NOT ACCEPTABLE TO SAY TO SOMEONE WHO IS ALREADY IN A RELATIONSHIP? -
The question everyone asks these days is "can a man and woman remain friends and only friends without one or the other wanting more? What do you guys think? Can they?
Once upon a time, when I was young and felt that my male friends were more important than what they really were, I would've said sure, men and women can be friends and only friends. I knew better.
As most of my precious readers know, I've been in a serious relationship for what will be 5 years this month! (Woo-hoo!)
When we first started seeing each other, I had a lot of male friends. Throughout my entire life I have never had a male friend that did not express some kind of interest in me, even if it was only sexual.
I no longer have male friends. After we started getting serious, my male friends (except for one who had expressed feelings in the past, when I was single but we moved past it and remained friends.) refused to respect me and my relationships. One male friend who I'd went to church with my entire life ended up proposing to me a couple of years ago out of the blue. He never showed much interest in me like that before. He had said I was pretty, but nothing more.
That wasn't the only male church friend I'd grown up with who did this. There was another one who was a great friend until I became serious with my current BF. Then, he started crossing the line little by little. Finally, one day when I was extremely ill and unable to leave the bed, in and out of the hospital, etc. Him and his mother who I think of as my angel for helping me through my hospital times when the only other person who was there was my BF & dad. Anyways, her son who I'd grown up with, close friends, went to church with sent me a text message that asked when I planned on leaving my current partner. He said he was tired of waiting on me and was angry! I didn't even know I had him waiting. We'd never talked about being together.
Of course the BF got the text and flipped, caused a huge fight. I ended the friendship. If he couldn't respect me anymore than that, he was no friend.
Besides that, I'm fine with no male friends. I don't want to be taken afvantage of like I used to be. I don't want to have men forcing themselves on me anymore. It got old, so I ditched them all.
Well, I usually make it clear to most men in my life that I'm in a happy MONOGAMOUS relationship and I don't put up with crossing the line and disrespecting me. It doesn't work.
The other night an old male friend started contacting me, he's got a live-in-girlfriend. Well, he crossed the line. I completely blew him off. He crossed the line again. I made myself clear.
If you have a "crush" on someone who is in a relationship (happy or not) you do not cross that line! If you feel you must express your dying love for them, then maybe do so subtly and suggest that you would like to be more than friends one day should anything happen and this person become available. Then, you leave it at that.
Almost in every situation, the person does not actually plan to leave just because you suddenly come along with an erection for them. They may eventually start giving in and telling you what you want to hear i.e. they aren't happy. But that's usually only because of the pressure being put on the person.
If you want to remain in the person's life, I suggest being their friend should be good enough at least until they are available and decide they want to start a new relationship. Do not EVER pressure a girl into leaving. It'll only make her go the opposite direction.
It's just so tacky and disrespectful to cross that line and nothing is tackier than doing it over and over. If you give her a nice compliment or just have to express your feelings, do it one time and leave it at that. If she decides to initiate anything, then let her do so on her terms only and definitely never engage in anything while she's still in the relationship whether she initiates it or not. Suggest she break it off with the other man first.
Sometimes you're just going to have to settle for friendship or nothing at all, because chances are, if she's in a happy relationship (with struggles or not) you'll end up losing her friendship all together if you continue to cross the line. Is friendship not ever good enough? It's better than being cut out of their life forever right?
Texting or calling someone who's in a relationship (especially when you are too!) more than once or twice a day is crossing the line.
Texting things like "Good morning beautiful" or "Goodnight, dream about me." IS crossing the line.
Texting things like "Send me a dirty pic." is beyond crossing the line and believe me, if the woman is anything like me, you'll regret that shit real quick.
I believe you know when you cross the line. If you have to ask if her "will your boyfriend be mad if I say..." or "Is your boyfriend around?" then it IS crossing the line.
I'm not saying you can't comliment a girl who's not single. Today, my BF and I went to a friend's really nice house and he had a few men that I've been around for years over. When I got out one of the men said "Who's that pretty little thang with you?" and the other said "Kendra, you're hair looks nice today." Which one do you think made me feel good? The hair comment!
When he told me my hair looked nice it made my day! As for the married bastard that said "who's that pretty little thang?" I didn't gain jack crap from that compliment. The hair comment was sweet and meaningful. Not that saying a girl is pretty is wrong, but there's a tasteful way to do it. Now, if it's a dirty comment that involves the word sexy, I think it can come off as rude to say to someone in a relationship.
The reason I posted about this is because of recent happenings. It just makes me so angry that men just don't get it. I don't know why they have to cross that line. I'd really like to keep them as friends, but they make it impossible. There's no way I'm going to text someone who's texted me constantly for 3 days and questioning where I've been & why I was there so late when he has a girlfriend and I have a partner of my own. I mean, if you're unhappy in your relationship, I'm always glad to give help and I did that already, but I'm not willing to give myself. It took everything I had today not to say "Well, maybe your relationship would be interesting and fun if you weren't so busy texting me while your girlfriend sits home waitnig on you to just look in her direction."
So far, the only male friends I have are the ones that are friends with both me and my partner and a couple of them are really amazing people. Just please people, do not keep crossing the line!
When you cross the line once and she doesn't respond, take the hint. Don't make her cuss you out just to get you to stop.
Does any of my lovelies out there agree? Do you think there is a line that should not be crossed, at least no more than twice?
4 comments:
thank you Kendra for your comment to the Devotion Cafe' I do hope you visit us again and please feel free to join in the discussions.
Good article Kendra, and you raise very many good points. People should respect others.
However....
I have mixed thoughts on this one. It's complicated. I think it is possible to be friends with the opposite sex but I if your attractive then it's probably harder for a guy to not be even slightly interested. It's just the law of the jungle.
And sometimes, emotions do get in the way. You can't always control who you're going to meet. You can apply as many rules to your relationship as you think necessary, and I think each couple should have some rules that apply to them, but love has strange ways at times... it's a very powerful force...and it cannot be controlled.
If there is one thing I have learnt, is that never say never.
Hi Kendra -
"Gee, I just love your sexy font you use on your blog page!" Hahaha :))
It's usually difficult for opposite sexes to have true friends when they're in a relationship but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I would say that it's rare, that's all.
I also think people become more aggressive and forward when they're in a relationship and their partner isn't around (i.e.) the married creep at the nice house party you mentioned above. From a man's perspective, similar situations occur.
I workout at my local gym every day and I see sooo many married people "catting". These are "one-nighter" types. Not interested in leaving their partner but so ready to jump-jump and scram. Sad but it's everywhere.
Great post and Happy Friday to you. :)
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