Hating myself... again

 A couple of hours ago I was in one of the worst possible situations. It was awful. I have the worst time saying No to people.

 I used to say "no" if it was something that I really couldn't do, I could say "no." Until the time I said no, then yelled "NO!" and guess what? It didn't matter. It did not matter that I said no. He wanted what he wanted no matter how bad it would hurt me. I had everything stolen from me. If I would've just said "yes" then I would only be living with the guilt of being a dirty whore thats better than the guilt of being a rape victim. So as of that night, I hardly ever say no. I actually go to extreme measures and put myself through hell just because I refuse to say no. That's not the only reason though. I don't like hurting people's feelings either.

The thing is, it's a very close person who is going through the hardest time of their life and I feel bad, I feel sorry for them, I want to help, I love this person. I've always had a soft spot for them my entire life & that will never change. I grew up around them. They were my "protector," my help, and the ONLY person I knew I could completely depend on. The only person who has always taken up for me and watched over me. The person who pretty much saved my life when I was severely ill. When I got to the hospital I remember saying to them "If it wasn't for you, I would be dead."

 But what about now? . . .

 A line has been crossed. I am too afraid to hurt their feelings. This is the most devastating time in their life and how could I make it worse and still be able live with myself? But then again how could I possibly make them happy when it means hurting myself and my loved ones. Either way, I feel guilty.

 They promised me everything that a woman could ever, and I mean EVER dream of. It's not how I want it though. It sounds nice and this person deserves the very best in life but its not me.

"The things that make me who I am, the things that make me so amazing, are the things that would be stripped away if I done this. I don't want to do this. I want to please this person though but it would be wrong.

I just can't stand the thought of inflicting more pain on this person. That is why I did what I did. I hate myself. I don't know how to deal with guilt and dishonesty that is why I said "NO." But the pain in their face showed so I said

"I'm terrible, I'm so sorry."

"No you are not. You are used to people forcing themselves on you and being angry when you say no. I will always love you. Nothing will change."

And I hate myself. I do.

The thing is, I done something. Not a big something, only a teeny tiny one but I still done it. I had good intentions, I done it in a way thats as harmless as giving a family member a kiss good-bye. Seriously, it was no big deal. I don't even think it was bad... on my part. Now, on their part, it was not as innocent.

Now, here I am trying to justify my wrong. But how on earth will I come to terms with it. I will never forgive myself unless I can be sure that what I done was not wrong. Last week, I finally was able to gain closure to my "experience" for the first time in 5 yrs I was able to have my closure & no longer hate myself and blame myself now, I have a new reason to hate & blame me.

In these past 5 years, I came to terms with blaming myself. I accepted it. I said "if I deserved what happened, then I truly do take complete responsibility." But I can not accept this.